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Wednesday, 16 December 2015

Tantrums, tears and meltdowns; The ugly truth behind a mothers thinking.





Have you ever wondered how you got to a point in life, where all you wanted to do was scream or hide, and you have no idea which one to choose or if you should choose both! Because you believe that's the best thing for humanity at this point? I'm pretty much there right now, and for the sake of this post I'm going to keep my bad language out of it (although, in my head I have already said "F**k" like a million times today)

Today I'm talking about the ugly truth behind a mothers thinking when there are tantrums, tears and meltdowns, about 3 times a week... Ok, a day. 

When I was pregnant, or when Leon was still very young for that matter (pre walking stage) I had visions of my child being all sweetness and light with the best manners ever and never, ever, having a meltdown whilst we were in the middle of Primark, at 11:30 in the morning, during the busy Christmas shopping period time, that resulted in clothes being pulled off the rails and him refusing to stand up whilst screaming "no mum mum" over and over again.... Yep, I never imagined it. But that is exactly what happened a few weeks back when I took him into Glasgow, myself, for the first time ever! As my anxiety always flares up, I don't like taking him far away from home myself just in case I have an anxiety attack, But for some reason I sprung out of bed that morning feeling amazing and decided that I was finally ready to do it. Oh how I wish I never even bothered! The first red light was when we were on the bus and he refused point blank to sit on the seat and stiffened himself up so I couldn't make him, that's when I first started shouting "for f**k sake" over and over in my mind. I just wanted him to sit on the seat, he could have screamed the whole way there, but as long as he was sitting, safely, on that seat I would have been happy, but nope, my boy refused to stay still or sit down. My thought process through out the best part of 3/4 of the bus ride was "please, please stop this, mum wants this to be fun and exciting, please stop being a little sh*t, please just listen.... PLEASE!  F**K" I didn't say any of this to him, instead I bribed him with some crisps and twirlywoos on my phone, it worked, but I felt defeated. Tantrums 1 - Mum 0.

The second red flag was when we were trying to cross the road in the city center (for those of you who don't know Glasgow, the roads are terrible and constantly full of cars) whilst the green man was on and Leon decided to throw his gloves down, then sit down with them and refused to move whilst screaming "NO"... So there was me trying to scoop him up whilst the lights were changing to green for the cars to go and I'm still in the middle of the road fighting with my not even 2 year old yet son. It's safe to say EVERYONE was staring at us and I was mortified. All I could think was "for f**k sake! We could have been killed, f**k f**k f**k! And even more f**k." 

Tantrums 2 - Mum 0. Ok, now for the Primark incident.... I really just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole.... I hated being in that situation and all I wanted to do was sit down next to him and cry my eyes out. I was stressed, I was scared and I was alone. I had my child throwing a fit in the middle of the ladies department, pulling jackets off the rails and trying to throw them across the store and laying down on the ground, trying to hit his head off it and shouting "No mum mum". I was mortified. I felt sick. All I wanted was for him to be ok, not for my sake, although I selfishly wanted him to be quiet, I wanted him to be in a good mood and to stop working himself up so that we could have both had a great time out in Glasgow. I wanted to show him George square and take him to the Disney store and I wanted to spoil him in lush since he loves their bath bombs... I just wanted to have a perfect day with my child but instead I got a crab it child who hated everyone and everything that day and who just wouldn't listen to a word I said. I was beyond the point of return and I just flipped. I was silent and I picked him up, I held onto him for dear life and I did not let go. I made sure he wasn't being hurt and that he wasn't in a position to lash out at me and I left. I left all those jackets on the ground and I didn't even care, I was past that. I had a screaming child in my arms and I cuddled the hell out of him, Although that is the last thing I wanted to do by far! Whilst all this was going on my head was a mess, I couldn't keep a steady thought and the only thing I could say over and over in my head was "please stop, for f**k sake please stop. I can't f**king take this anymore, please, for f**k sake" it's hard, it's hard to think that but it happens and you can't help it one little bit. 

I love my son to bits, I really really do, but sometimes I wish I had a remote to pause him or mute him. It's exhausting dealing with a child who has a meltdown every other hour in a day. I just wish it didn't happen but I understand why it does, he's frustrated, he can't talk yet, not properly anyway and he doesn't know how to communicate how he is feeling so he lashes out, I get that. But that doesn't stop me wishing he would stop and just shhhhh. He's on overdrive with so much energy and I have no idea what to do when the BIG meltdown comes, I try and defuse it, I cuddle the hell out of him and I make sure he is safe. 

Most mothers I talk to will spin the truth and tell me that they don't mind the tantrums and it's ok and they can deal with it no bother and they have never ever thought that their child should just shut up.... Yes, I belive that... COUGH. You may know how to deal with it but I don't belive that you have never had a thought of wanting to tell them to just stop being a little S**t. 

Seriously, being a mother is fantastic and so rewarding but the thoughts you get sometimes make you feel like a completely horrible mother, but it's normal. All mothers have a negative thought at some point and that's ok. It's normal, and if you're a mother to be who is reading this, thinking it won't be you, come back to me in about a year and tell me you've never wished for your child to stop behaving like a crazy little animal. 

Its the ugly truth unfortunately and it's ok. As long as I never actually tell me son to shut the eff up, then I'm doing good.


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6 comments

  1. You have captured brilliantly what hard work it is being a mum of young children! Hang on in there, you're doing great! #coolmumclub

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    1. Thank you! Some days it's just so hard not to constantly swear in your head! Thanks.

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  2. OMG hon I TOTALLY relate to this - I TOTALLY mind the tantrums. I remember being so cross with my little girl when she started acting up on a trip up to London and just refused to stay by my side and was throwing a S*** fit as a result and I was just so angry because her behaviour wasn't just annoying in a tantrum way but was also very dangerous just like the incident you described above. They really know how to press our buttons. Stay strong sista xx and thanks for linking to #coolmumclub

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    1. They sure do know how to press buttons for sure, they know how to make the biggest Scene ever! Thanks!

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  3. Not swearing at or in front of your child. The struggle is real!

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  4. This post took me back, it was like you were watching me lol! I don't think I passed the "don't ever swear in front of your child" rule. My daughter was a complete nightmare. She's grown up now and lovely :-). They say the best thing to do is ignore a tantrum, easier said than done. You're doing great, gosh you kept the F word in your head, Well done!

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