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Friday, 29 September 2017

That's life


I feel like I have drifted away from my blog so much the past month or so. I've not been on social media much and I'm trying so hard to get my life back on track. It's just not been easy lately so I wanted to get all my thoughts down in writing, let y'all know what's going on.

Let's rewind back to August...

I was on a high, I was on top of all my blog posts, everything was written and scheduled ready to get published. My tweets were scheduled and I was on a roll. For the first time in who knows how long I felt like I was back to being me, doing the things I love and I was starting college on the 28th. But then mid-way through August I just started to feel "bleh" I lost all interest in writing, in vlogging, in seeing friends, in social media. My mind hit a wall and I'm not sure why, well I wasn't at the time.

I managed to put on my best fake smile, I attended a hen night which I left early because I wasn't feeling well, I attended a wedding where I left early because I wasn't feeling well and Stephen wasn't feeling great either. Then a day or so later my world just came crashing down, the 26th of August seen me hit rock bottom both emotionally and physically. Now before I go further I don't want to talk about the specifics but it was horrible. I then had to start college on the 28th which spiralled my mind into the gutter. I was forcing myself to get on with things, to pretend I was ok when in fact, I wasn't. I was battling the thoughts in my mind, making sure I didn't relapse with self-harm, making sure my body didn't give up on me.

Although I kept a smile on my face I was dying inside. It took me all my strength not to break down every chance I got. Luckily, I was kept busy with seeing Katie, helping her move, going out and doing stuff, college, Disneyland and now that it's all over I'm left sitting here, feeling like an empty shell.

I don't feel like me. I've not had time to process anything and I'm now back on stronger meds. I force myself to go to college but when I'm there I want to run back home, climb into my bed and stay there in it's warmth, I want to stay hidden from the world because to me that would be easier than facing everything.

I'm trying so hard to let negativity wash over me, I will not let the voice of depression win, I will not let the tight grip of anxiety take over. I will control my life, I will not be beaten. Sometimes I think I'm so tough, that I can take it all on by myself, that I don't need anyone but I'm soon realising that's not true, I must relinquish control and ask for help. I finally did, I feared being told "no" or being ignored but I wasn’t, I was welcomed with open arms & now I feel like I can do anything because I have the support of my loved ones.

I'm slowly easing myself back into social media, although I've kept my blog afloat and blog posts coming out I feel they haven't been a true reflection of myself, I don't feel connected to my work so how is a reader meant to? I know I've slacked but I can't hold myself to anyone else's standards but my own. I must realise that I should be writing what I want, posting what I want and doing it in my own style, I always have and I'm not changing now so I must just let the disconnected work slide right now and focus on the future.

I do feel like crap but despite that I'm enjoying being in college, my course is fantastic, the people are great! I feel good about my future, I feel good about where I'm taking my life, about how hard I'm working but I now need to get my head in a better place.

I have noticed that since all this though my weight has been fluctuating, I lost a lot of weight, put it back on and then lost some again but now I'm gaining yet again. I've noticed I'm comfort eating, I'm shovelling whatever I want down my throat in huge amounts and I'm feeling it. I can feel my clothes getting tighter so I must address this. I keep telling myself I'll be good, I buy all the right things but then I eat it all and buy junk. It's horrible. I'm planning but a plan is no good until my head gets in the right place for it so that's my next main step I want to tackle.

This has been a mess, my own little scribbling of how I'm feeling. This feels good though, it's a step towards where I want to be.




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8 comments

  1. Oh Jordanne, I'm so sore that you've been having such a rough time of it! You needn't beat yourself up for taking time away from blogging and social media, we all need breaks from time to time! Blogging is just a hobby after all and not an obligation! ❤️ I'm so pleased that you're doing so well at college and loving your studies, you've been doing so much work whilst you've been going through a lot and I couldn't have more respect for you for keeping going! You're amazing and should give yourself plenty of credit! Much love!

    Abbey 💗 http://www.abbeylouisarose.co.uk

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  2. It is definitely worth taking a break from social media sometimes. Give yourself time to work on you. Glad you are enjoying college!

    Hayley | hayleyxmartin

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  3. Hi Jordanne, this is such an honest and touching post. From personal experience I understand the struggle only too well and reading something like this makes it feel more.. normal I guess. I hope you feel more back to your happy self soon xxx

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  4. Oh Jordanne so sorry you've been feeling like this! Don't worry at all about taking time away from your blog for a bit, there is no point forcing blog posts when you're not feeling right, a break is absolutely fine! Your health has to come first. I think you're doing amazing, and well done for carrying on with college, you should be so proud of yourself! I hope you feel more like yourself soon and things start to look up, always here if you ever want to chat xx

    Tiffany x www.foodandotherloves.co.uk

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  5. Ohh Jordanne, I am soo sorry to hear this! A blog break is always fine, don't let it get you down! Your health has to come first before anything else. I send you a lot of hugs lovely and I hope you feel back to your happy self soon!! Sometimes just letting it out is a good things, you've got a lot of people around you, who care a lot about youu!!

    Gemma | www.anoceanglimmer.wordpress.com

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  6. Sometimes writing out everything can help, and I hope this has a bit. You've had an awful time of things, and I honestly can't put into words how much respect I have for you right now - you kept going through everything, and you didn't let it get the better of you. You know where I am if you ever ever want to talk, or a distraction, or just anything. Please don't feel like you have to hide how you're feeling xx

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  7. Oh Jordanne, I'm so sorry you've been going through such a tough time lately and I wish I had some kind of words of wisdom that'll help but I feel like I can relate to some of this especially the weight gain and I agree with you 100% you can tell yourself but when your mind isn't in the right place it's hard to stick to a plan. I'm so glad to hear you are enjoying your college course, your photography is awesome, I LOVE your blog posts, your writing has always been favourites of mine! xx

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  8. How are you feeling now gal? I am having fingers crossed for you to enter November with a positive vibes, which I am sending all the way to you from Birmingham. I am glad you shared with us as too many people just put a smile on without mentioning anything at all, which leads to horrific things sometimes. Love, Iga www.igaberry.com

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