Embracing ME

For so long now I have been battling with my inner voice. The one that tells me I'm not good enough, the one that tells me I'm unlovable, that I'm too fat, too ugly and I'm not worth life. I feel like every week it's something new that my inner saboteur is telling me, trying to push me to the limit till I break but so far I have done a pretty good job of managing it, that was until just before Christmas and I let it all get to me. 

I had one of my biggest breakdowns yet, my mental health was shattered and I just didn't want to live anymore, I would of happily let death take me away. Everything got on top of me, everything came crashing down and I didn't see a reason for me to live because obviously the voice in my head is right... right? I didn't tell anyone about it, my gran never even knew and keeping it a secret was super hard, I wanted to appear strong but that didn't help me and I don't know why I haven't learned from this mistake as it's one I have made on many occasions. I wasn't myself for a while, I let my college work slip, I let my blog slip and all my hard work was going to waste. I wasn't playful or happy around my baby bear which killed me the most, normally I can fake a smile for that boy no bother because I never want him to see mummy look like a zombie and crying all the time, that's not fair to him as he doesn't understand but a few times I cried and cried whilst he cuddled me, I honestly felt so ashamed of how bad things got. Luckily though, I fought my inner demons, I didn't let them win and take my life because I'm worth so much more, SOOOO MUCH MORE.

After giving myself a pep talking, making lists of all the things I have to be thankful for and looking into my boys eyes I eventually got over it all. I wasn't letting my depression win again, this wasn't going to break me to the point of no return so I picked myself up and dusted myself off. No more. I am worth life. I am enough. I am amazing. 

*This photo was taken in college by Cheryl as part of our assignments but I really loved it, I know it's not in focus but there's something about it that made me feel good and that' what this post is all about*

I always worry about how I look, I always worry if my body is disgusting and I don't know why. Why am I so mean to myself? My body has done amazing things, it grew a tiny human, it's been cut open, sewn back together and cut open again. It carries me where ever I need to go, it's my permanent house and if I can't treat it right and show it some love then do I really deserve it? I have gotten to the point where I no longer want to be ashamed, to cover up in baggy clothing to hide myself. I'm going to start going swimming again, these stripes on my body symbolise the progress I've made both in an eating disorder and weight gain. They symbolise the life I created and housed for 9 months. They symbolise my life. I shouldn't be worrying about what other people think of my body, my body is none of their business and if I want to rock a bikini then I'm sure as hell going to rock a bikini. I have held myself back from so much because I have been worried about my size or shape, it's silly when I really think about it because who cares? who cares what size I am? Does anyone actually care if I am a size 4 or size 20? No!!! They care if I'm a good person or not, who doesn't want to be friends with someone because of the size on their clothing label? Embracing myself and my body is very important to me, no more hiding who I am because of what others may think. 

I've also been worried about the content I create both in my blog and college work. I feel I put an unnecessary pressure on myself, I feel I am doing a lot worse than I actually am which is my inner saboteur coming into play. Sometimes I can't see past the negative thoughts and my overly analytic critiques and that's something I really am working on. It's not something that's going to happen overnight but I am getting there, I am learning to trust in myself, to trust in my ideas and own it. I need to get on board with myself and be my own biggest fan because that's where it starts, that's where greatness happens and if I want to succeed in life I better get trusting in my own decisions rather than second guessing everything.

* There was a time I would never have uploaded this because I would have picked my appearance apart but it shows a moment in time when Leon and I were messing around with the camera and were really happy*

There is so much I want to embrace about myself, I have gotten to the point where it's now or never because I really don't want to go through life hating on myself. I want to show my son that self love is important, that knowing your worth and knowing your'e amazing is ok. It's ok to own it, be your own biggest fan, love yourself and show it to the world. I never want him to feel like he isn't good enough and if he is experiencing that at home, seeing his mother battling through it it's going to leave some sort of mark on him. I want him to see me owning life and then go on and do that himself. 

I am hoping every month to put out a post talking about the steps I have been taking to embrace myself. This is an introduction of sorts to a monthly series I will have, I'll talk about the tips and tricks I have been applying to my life plus an update on how it's all going. I want the world to embrace this attitude because each and every one of you are amazing, y'all are bloody fantastic and you should be sharing your talents with the world, believe in yourself and shine. It's taking me this long to finally get to grips with it. 

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  1. You ARE good enough, you ARE lovable, you are NOT fat, you are NOT ugly and you ARE worth life.

    This post is so raw and honest, and I really admire your strength and bravery.

    Em x

  2. Very proud of you for this post and it’s good to have you back. Although I’m saddened to hear you’ve been down in the dumps I’m also glad to hear it’s gave you the time to reflect and realise what’s important and what you’re capable of. We all believe in you. We are all rooting for you. And you’ve totally got this chick — welcome back sweetie! Xxx

  3. I don't really know what to say except GO YOU. You're an incredibly beautiful, talented, courageous woman and a great example to your son. And the rest of us too. I completely agree with you, it's so important to show our children that self love is important, and how to own your life. I'm looking forward to hearing more of your tips and tricks for embracing yourself in the months to come. xx

    Lisa | www.lisasnotebook.com

  4. This is such an honest and heartfelt post Jordanne. We are our own worst enemies sometimes when it comes to being kind to ourselves. From what I can see you are gorgeous and smart and a fabulous mum too. Keep being you! Looking forward to reading your updates on this 💕😘 xx

    Bexa | www.hellobexa.com