Sunday, 2 April 2017

That's my Issue

Recently I have been battling my inner thoughts, I've been on a downward spiral for what feels like forever now. It's slowly been getting worse in my mind and it's time for me to address it, I need to confront my own thoughts before I relapse to a point when I'm in hospital. You may be thinking right now, "What are you talking about Jordanne?" Well, I'm talking about my body, trying to find my self love again and making a real change.

When I was younger I went through hell mentally and physically due to being bullied over my looks, my nose was too crooked, my teeth weren't white enough, my hair not on trend, being too fat and so much more. Everyday in school I would endure an avalanche of hurtful comments from fellow class members that pushed me right to the edge. I self harmed a lot, I overdosed a few times and then starved myself to the point I was hospitalised. I was diagnosed with anorexia and I felt sick because I thought they were lying to me, how could someone of my size have anorexia? I was too big to have that, I was disgusting, a whale of you will... That's how I felt anyway but looking back  at pictures I would give anything to be that size again! I suffered terribly for a few years until I finally got to grips with everything and overcame my relationship with food, well, I thought it did.

Now, 10 years on (God I feel old saying that!) I find myself back in that dark corner of my mind, looking at myself in the mirror with disgust at how big I am, how big I feel. I look at my teeth and think, still not white enough, I look at my skin and say "still not perfect", I watch my thighs jiggle as I walk past a mirror and I completely break down when ever I look at myself for any length of time. I fought so hard for self love, I managed to get to a point in life where I felt good about myself, every inch of me inside and out but something has changed and I'm back in the "dark" again, I don't know why but it's happened and now I need to bring myself into the light again.

I've tried making lists, more lists, lists about lists on all the things I should be doing such as exercise and eating healthy. I've wrote down different skin care routines that I know work for me and as silly as it sounds, I've scheduled in brushing my teeth because I'm at a point I no longer want to smile for fear of others seeing them. Despite doing all this though I've found myself lacking so I then feel disgusted with myself even more because I can't stick to a simple plan. A lot of people say "well you have to want it" but it's not that easy. Yes I want it, I want more than anything right now to just be ok with myself, I don't even have to love everything, not yet, I just don't want to look in the mirror anymore and feel disgust. But right now wanting it hasn't been enough for me, I have lacked all motivation and inspiration, for me a lot of it is to do with my health and I think that may be where my problem lies.

Due to so much going on with my health recently I've found myself in constant pain from doing the simplest of tasks so there's no way I'm going to be able to work out fully yet. That doesn't stop me eating better though, right? But for some reason I stick to it for a day or two then I'm right back to the 'no eating' thing  again because I feel truly sickened by the thought of food or I'll just nibble stuff... all the wrong stuff that I know isn't doing me any good. The more I think about it the more I seem to stray from my goals which is killing me a little inside as I know I can do it, I've done it before so why not now? Why is it that right now, in this moment I would gladly have someone else's body? I need to stop thinking about it all, I need to make actual changes instead of writing it all out, I should be doing it.

I feel like my own worst enemy at the moment, I know what I should be doing and I'm not doing it. I see other peoples progress and I feel such joy for them because they are smashing their goals but I also feel super disheartened in myself because I'm not doing anything to help myself. A lot of it is due to not knowing exactly what to do.. What work outs can I do without feeling like my bones are about to snap. What food should I be eating? I feel so lost in it all, I make generic lists but never anything of true worth, nothing that actually sets out a plan for me. I'm one of those people who would ,much rather be going through this journey with someone else because sometimes I can be my own worst enemy then fall off the wagon again. I know I shouldn't put my things onto other people and rely on them to help me but I just need support. 

I have thought about joining slimming world again because that seemed to really help me, I was loosing weight and starting to feel more energetic, I was feeling healthy! But I stopped going because money was tight and I couldn't spare £5 and also the friend who was taking me stopped going and it just fell away from it, I stopped making my healthy meals, I stopped doing daily activities that helped me be more active  but when I was attending I was doing good. Right now my anxiety is stopping me going to things because I feel like I can't go on my own, I always get nervous and have a little melt down before I go... So going alone is out of the question and when I have no one around me that will go with me It makes me feel even more isolated. I know that I should't rely on others but sometimes I cant help it. I guess I would just love someone to help me, to help me get a food list set up of healthy foods for meals, I want to be one of those people who do their meals for the week on a Sunday, I want to cook again but I'm stuck, I don't know where to go from here or even go about getting help. I'm not one of those people who pays attention to the numbers on the scales, I go by how I feel when I look in the mirror, I want to look at myself and love what I see not look at the numbers on a scale and get upset when I've maintained or gained. I guess I am just having a good old rant here, trying to say all the things that are flooding my mind at the moment, I am secretly hoping there's someone out there who can help me, who can understand what I'm going through.

It feels very surreal to have written this all down because it's been in my head for so long now. I want to address these problems and one of the steps I'm taking to do that is write this blog post. Get it down in writing so I can read it over and hopefully it tidies up some space in my mind for me to focus more on what's going on with this image I have of myself. I need to get a proper plan in motion, I have to get past that line of thinking about doing it and actually doing it, but I don't know how. This is a learning curve I have to overcome and I know I will do it, I have faith in myself but right now I am so disheartened with not getting over that line. I must get myself more motivated, I must make a plan and stick to it, I must figure out how I am going to get myself in a good place again. 

I am so sorry for this rant but I had to get it out, I had to vent and make my brain a little more clear. If anyone has any advice it is much appreciated, anything to help me get out of this never ending circle.

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  1. I'm so sorry you're feeling so down at the minute about everything, and I'm always always always here to help 💖 I don't believe the "you have to want it" because wanting it sometimes isn't even enough, it takes more, and it's horrible feeling like you're failing even though you aren't. Hearing it from others doesn't help either as it's all about how you feel but just so you know - I think you're gorgeous and would give everything to be half as stunning as you. But I am here, and you know where I am, if there's anything at all I can do to help xxxx

    1. Thank you for commenting ❤️ I do really appreciate this love, it means so much to me especially when I'm feeling like this, I'm just so lost ATM with it all but I'm sure I'll figure it all out.

  2. I cant say much to help other than I really hope yo feel better soon, you are too much of a lovely caring person to be feeling all of this. On the hand I can totally relate in my life. I hate myself. I hate my scars (which I constantly have to id as noone knows about) I feel disgusted and ashamed. I lack motivation and drive and eat 1-2 meals a day. I should get help but dont want tablets. Just know your not alone, because of this post I dont feel alone anymore! Want to chat i am ere! x
    Lola Mia //

    1. Thank you for commenting ❤️ I appreciate your comment so much, I know I'll get through it but I had to get it all written down so I could process it all. I am sending so much love and positivity your way because I know how hard it is to hate thing about yourself and have to see them :( ❤️❤️

  3. Oh J, this makes me want to sob. You sound so much like me that my heart broke just a little...I have also been that girl who stands in front of a mirror & sobs because she can see no good in herself. Who knows the calorie count to every food...Yes, these days I'm bright & bubbly & I love cake. But I also prefer to have someone by my side when I go places (no that does not make us weak merely sociable) I also know the feeling of demons rearing their heads from time to time. I always find that telling a friend is best, I can be in a hole for weeks & then see my best friend & laugh so hard that I forgot anything was ever wrong. Surrond yourself with people who see you at your best & at your worst & never stop loving you ��

    1. Thank you for commenting ❤️ I'm so sorry that you have to go through this :( it's such a horrible experience and trying to get out of the hole can be so exhausting but it's good that you've found something that can help you get out of the cycle.