Mental illness is Made up

Did the post title grab your attention? Good, because today I want to raise the topic of Mental Health. 

My head starts feeling fuzzy, I start to shake uncontrollably, I sweat, I can't breath, I'm panicking. Where am I? What's going on? Why can't I breath? My hearts racing, I'm feeling dizzy, are the walls closing in on me? I cry, I literally sob - this is how my panic attacks go, I get these anywhere from 1 to 10 times a week and if I'm lucky some weeks I won't have a full on panic attack.

I ask my gran to take Leon for a few hours, I go into my room and lock the door. I sit on my bed, pull my covers over me then I lay down. I start to cry. Why am I not good enough? Why am I ugly? Why do I have no friends? Why does no one care about me? I'm a terrible mum, little bear deserves better, I'm a shit fiancĂ©e, my gran hates me, I'm turning into my mum, I don't want to live any more, I want die. I lay in bed and I cry to myself, I try so hard to be silent so no one will hear me, eventually I'm numb, moving around not even knowing what I'm doing, I think about self harming again, I don't eat, I don't wash, I can't even bring myself to go to the toilet, I don't change clothes, I have heavy eyes, my head hurts, I forget to take my medication, I don't go to college, I hate myself even more - This is what my depression does to me. Some days are better than others, some weeks I feel like the whole world is my playground, some weeks I don't wash, my depression takes over my life at times and it's exhausting.

I can't take that step out of the front door, I'm ready, I've known that I have to go out for days now but I'm still not ready. What if people laugh at me? Do I look ok? What if I'm an embarrassment? People will stare. They will see I'm a fraud, I'm not actually happy. I'll try to take that first step out of the house, I'll stand at the door for 10 minutes plucking up the courage to just leave. I'll walk into the living room and cry. I'll beat myself up over not being "normal". I'll go up stairs, I'll phone college, I'll take the day off, I'll make excuses to friends, I can't go outside. I'll put my pjs back on, I'll climb into bed and I'll cry. - This is what my anxiety does to me. My anxiety is awful, absolutely crippling at times to the point I'll be house bound for two weeks. Little things will set it off, a message from a friend, my gran asking me to go to the shops, Leon wanting me to play outside, Stephen wanting to go out for dinner, having to get dressed... a lot of things trigger my anxiety and I hate it.

I suffer with Depression and anxiety plus I have major panic attacks weekly, I have insomnia, I have a chronic illness. I'm not making it all up, I live with this day in and day out, constantly trying to push myself to do better. I don't make it up.

Living with a mental illness is hard, it's a constant battle in your head between what you know you have to and want to do and not being able to and feeling worthless. It's exhausting, some days I don't even know how I function, it's like I have auto pilot on, I get up, I get dressed, I get little bear ready, I take him to nursery, I try to smile, I do what I have to do but at the end of the day I sit in my bed and cry, I cry for hours sometimes until I eventually fall asleep.

I'm not ashamed to admit any of this because there are literally thousands of people who feel the same way, who suffer with this daily. I applaud anyone who lives with this and still carries on because its not easy, no wonder there's so many mental health related suicides because its HARD. It's not made up, it's not easy and it sure as hell isn't an excuse that "special little snowflakes" make when they can't be bothered. I'm appalled and outraged that anyone, ANYONE, would have the audacity to think like this let alone actually say it to someone.

This type of backwards thinking is what's wrong with the world, where's the compassion? The understanding? The education? People are so frightened to phone into work sick and explain it's Mental Health related, they would much rather lie and say they have a bug because that's more acceptable than saying your depression is really bad or you anxiety is crippling. It's so easy to judge people when you've never experienced this first hand, when you or no one you know is affected by it.

Mental health is valid. It's as serious as cancer, there, I said it, but it is. It kills people, it literally drives people to take their own life because their suffering and can't take it anymore. When are we, as a society going to take this seriously? When are people going to wake up and realise the enormity of this? 


We need to teach everyone what can happen, we need to educate the world on the seriousness of this horrible, horrible illness. Mental Health issues don't discriminate, it can affect anyone regardless of gender, age, race, background.... it doesn't matter who you are, it can potentially be YOU who gets it next, who starts to feel the weight of the world coming down on them till they feel like they have to take their own life. How many more people need to die before this is more important?

We need to take this seriously. Sure, it's plastered all over social media about how wee Jake from down the road thinks that mental health is serious and we need to take it seriously when a celebrity dies from suicide after suffering from depression or someone overdoses because they wanted to block out the world, but what happens after a week? Wee Jake never speaks of it again, that's it, conversation over, done, case closed. Too many people jump on the bandwagon when there's a public out cry but a month later people have dropped off, it's no longer important and those of us who is affected by this are left campaigning for more education, for more employers to take it seriously, for more doctors to actually help people! And what to we get? Shitty ass comments on how Mental health is a made up thing, well you know what I say to them? PISS OFF AND EAT A SHIT.

I'm so passionate about this, I've been around Mental illness my entire life, starting with my mum. I lived it, breathed it, dealt with it EVERY SINGLE DAY of my life, it started off with me experiencing it second hand to now actually dealing with it myself and it's hard, it's so hard.

I pledge, from this moment on that I'm going to do everything I can to raise awareness, to campaign for it, to show the world that this needs to be taken seriously because if it's not, we are going to lose more beautiful lives who have so much to give to humanity. 

Will you stand with me?

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  1. Love this post! Mental Health HAS to be taken more seriously in society. It's ridiculous how there's such a stigma around mental health that people feel like they can't talk about their experience with it. It needs to change!!

  2. This is so detailed, I felt it as I read and I got scared. I can imagine what you go through 1-10 times a week and I can honestly say I respect you getting through each day.

  3. Great article, there definitely needs to be more education around mental illness. I suffer from anxiety and depression and have been met with a lot of misconceptions about it, and some comments like "you don't look depressed" - that's because they probably saw me on a 'good day'. Respect to you for getting through the bad days as best you can.

  4. I often have to remind people that the brain is an organ and it, too, can get sick. Maybe someday we won't have to fight so hard to be taken seriously and treated properly.

  5. Thank you for being so honest in this post! I stand with you 100%! I have to remind myself so often that what I'm going through in regards to my mental illness is not BS and it's completely valid, because others make me feel like it's not. They make me like it's, excuse the pun, all in my head.

    I am here, backing you up in your campaign, fully and completely!

    - Nyxie

  6. Until mental health is taken more seriously, no one is gonna listen! I love the honesty in this and we need more REAL mental health awareness x