Holding on to Positivity

When your world feels like it's crashing down around you it can be hard to think positive or even have any hope. It's a daily battle trying to push through those negative thoughts and make sure you don't slip into a black hole of depression.

If you're an avid reader of my blog you'll know that I suffer from depression in various stages, but everyday, it's there's. My depression feels like an old friend now, one that will always be with me no matter what I do or where I go. Some days we don't bicker, some days they stay quiet and some days they are that toxic friend who brings you down constantly. It's something I've learned to live with but still seek help for. I refer to my depression as a person because to me, it kind of is. It's someone who can't bare to see me happy, who has to knock me down when I least expect it but someone I can ignore at times, who I won't call back or even acknowledge. It's been a long and tiring fight to get to where I am today, and after clawing myself out of a very bad depressive state the last few months, it's someone I'm determined isn't dragging me down anymore.

I felt like my world crashed around me, a few months ago (back in April) I unfortunately suffered a miscarriage which started a domino affect in my (our) world, from that point on everything seemed to go wrong, little bears great gran passed away, the family dog passed away, we fell into hard times with money and so much more, but I pulled myself out with help from my loves ones and really amazing health professionals. The fact I got out of the horrible depressive state I was in, unharmed and feeling more positive than ever before was nothing short of a miracle in my eyes. A lot of work went into changing my state of mind and altering how I see the world. Once I felt the fog had lifted, I felt like a whole new person who could take on the world, and win. After all of the heart break and bad luck I finally felt stronger than my depression and I'm very pleased to say that I'm still holding onto positivity.

My mental health took a huge hit lately, everything was going well, I was finally getting somewhere with my goals, I started my HNC, baby bear was doing good, my gran was in good health and as a whole, things were going absolutely amazing. That was until the 28th August and again, a whole domino affect started to happen. We were supposed to be going to Disneyland Paris, everything was sorted, we were getting our bags sorted, about to get our euros but something didn't feel right. We still hadn't gotten out travel documents yet so I phoned to find out when we would get our documents. The man I was dealing with on the phone was so horrible, I mean, I really have no other words to describe him, I asked about our flights to which he told me there was no flights added to our package!!! WHAT THE HELL?! I was furious, I was crying and he laughed down the phone at me... I mean... who does that? (I have put in a complaint about him because of this) I was told flights would be a further £1000+ to add on then he said he could do me a special deal of about £400 odd if I wanted instead, he would not listen to me when I told him I was told there were flights when I phoned back in June. It was a horrible thing to go through but long story short, we got a full refund after they looked at all my documentation and listened to phone calls, they said that it was indeed implied I was getting flights considering I chose the dates, times and paid for extra luggage plus the first woman I spoke to confirmed I would get my flight information nearer the time. I do have to say, the whole situation was dealt with quickly and they did rectify the whole thing (apart from ACTUALLY giving us our flights, they still tried to make me pay for them!) so this was the start of the bad luck. 

Then things were starting to look up, I held onto my positive attitude and I felt like everything was getting better again. We got our refund very quickly (within 2 days of the whole situation happening) and we started to look at new holiday destinations as we still want a holiday. Then on Saturday 1st September Stephen, little bear and myself were in a crash that was quite bad. 

We were on our way back from Ikea, about to go to Asda when all of a sudden an uninsured driver crashed straight into the side of our car resulting in our car being written off. Luckily little bear wasn't hurt, that was my main priority when this happened because he was sitting behind me in his car seat. Stephen got out of the car straight away to get the woman's details and talk it through with her, she maintained she wasn't in the wrong as she was "indicating to go right" but that didn't matter as she was in the LEFT TURN ONLY lane on the roundabout. Eventually she admitted she was wrong thankfully. After my adrenaline started to calm down, knowing little bear was ok I started to feel a really sharp pain in my left side, it was very unbearable and I just wanted to get out of the car but I couldn't, the way the other driver hit out car meant the passenger side door was wedged shut and I couldn't slide over and get out of the driver side. This caused my anxiety to go through the roof! I panicked, I felt like I was suffocating and I couldn't move. The paramedics came and the guy managed to pull the door open enough to get me out of the car and into the ambulance, after an examination they decided I would be best off in hospital. Once I got there, the Dr explained that I had a few broken ribs, whiplash and I have pulled the muscles in my left leg. I was very confused, scared and I really don't have the words to explain just how I felt. 

Since the car crash I have felt quite anxious, I can't sleep, I feel like I am trapped as I can't move much plus to top it all off, coming out of the bathroom one night I banged my foot with enough force to break my little toe on my left foot.... you couldn't make this stuff up! haha, If I don't laugh, I will seriously cry and my gran keep's making jokes about it (all in good spirit though)

After going through all of this I have realised that I need to keep the positivity even more. I am trying very hard to keep it together, I am trying very hard to stop myself slipping into a hole again. I know it's not a hugely devastating thing to happen in life, lot's of people go through worse but that doesn't make my feelings about this any less valid. I am scared to sleep, I am scared to lay down (I shouldn't right now anyway) and I am very scared to move in certain ways. I can't lift my son, I can't play with him like I normally do and it's all taking it toll on me, all because someone make a stupid mistake that should never have happened. I don't hold a grudge again't the woman, everyone makes mistakes but I just hope she learns from this because now my life is impacted, as well as my sons and Stephens because of this. 

I am holding onto positivity as much as I can, I am very thankful for everyone who has reached out to me, sent a card, gave me flowers, checked in with me and have genuinely been there for me because there are people I thought would be here for me that haven't been, who haven't even bothered to message me to see if we are all ok and that has surprised me... A LOT! My gal Lisa got it right when she said times like these show who is really there for you and who won't bother their backside. Enough of that though, I am focusing on all the love, positivity and kindness in my life because that's what matters. 

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  1. Thank goodness you were all ok! What a stupid woman she was! I hope you're recovering OK. I found out this year my mum has terminal cancer so I can relate a lot to holding onto positivity. I too have said to people that it has shown who my real friends are and are not due to who's been supportive! I love reading honest posts like this. Love Clare xx | https://www.clayaa.com

  2. Sending you my prayers still! I hope that you not only heal physically speedily but that your depression also lifts and eventually fades out of your life. You are such a resilient, strong mother, and I admire you & your incredible story <3 xxx


  3. I'm sorry this happened to you but glad you're all OK. I hope you're recovering well, I broke a rib (in a car accident too ironically) and it took a long 6 weeks to heal fully! I enjoyed reading your post it was raw, open and honest.

  4. I'm so sorry all of this has happened to you!! It's great that you're still holding on to positivity and I hope you have a speedy recovery :)

  5. I feel so sad that you had to go through this and I really am sorry for you lovely, but you do definitely need to hold onto positivity and keep going xx