Thursday, 14 February 2019

The only love you NEED this Valentine's day

Glasgow, UK

Happy Valentines Day you lovely lot! I hope that where ever you are and what ever you are doing, that you show yourself some love today. This Valentines day I'm doing things a little differently, I'm not showing someone else I love them or going above and beyond for someone else because this year, Valentines day is all about ME. 


In my little world Valentines day is all about ME for once, I do tend to take self care days or relax but I don't really show myself love, not ever. If I am being 100% honest right now, I am the most nastiest person, to myself. I don't know why I'm so hard on myself, but looking in the mirror for me means seeing things I don't want to, it means my mood is going to change, it means I take 5 minutes to pick apart every aspect of my face until I feel like throwing up. I don't like looking at myself so it's only natural that I don't show myself love due to feeling this way. I have been on a journey however, a journey to self love because I know I shouldn't scream hateful words at myself, I know things need to change for me to progress and move on in the world. If I keep standing in this spot, repeating my behaviour, nothing is going to change, in fact, they will get worse and I'm not ok with that. I am not ok with letting myself carry on like this, I always tell others they are beautiful, they are strong, they are powerful and so much more but it's time for me to say that to myself. 

I gave myself a challenge, I challenged myself to post one photo of myself on Instagram before valentines day. I hoped it would change my train of thought, maybe seeing it from someone else eyes would be helpful, and it was. I took a series of photos one night, I must have taken over 300 but I have now narrowed the photos down to about 6 in total that I like, the rest had me picking out all the flaws and it was in that moment, when I was reviewing the photos for import on Lightroom that I realised I am so so hard on myself, I disregarded photos over my hair simply not sitting right or my eye bags being to visible.... I was focusing on aspects of myself that make me, well, me. My eye bags were a symbol of the lack of sleep I've had the last few weeks because I have been busting my butt to really learn, take in knowledge and produce my own film, those bags represent going to bed at 2am and getting up at 6:30am because my son woke up and thought of the funniest joke and just had to tell me and now wants to cook pancakes for gran waking up, My eye bags are all the late nights cuddling my child to sleep because he felt safe with mum in the bed... those eye bags are caused by things that make me, me. 



My stretch marks were visible in a few of the photos so that automatically meant those pictures were garbage, once I deleted them I really hated myself, I wiped away the photos that showed the proof of all my body has done, those stretch marks were my stripes of honour, My body has went through a lot, some I have put it through and some I haven't but all those marks were a road map to the memories. I was extremely underweight for a year in my teens, I was being bullied for being too fat and when you're a teen girl, just wanting to make friends and have a tribe, you really take it personally, I healed, not fully, but I healed and those stretch marks showed the changes in my body, from being underweight to being a healthy weight to the post-baby, too many take aways, junk eating, pizza having mother, and I am so so proud of my accomplishments, those stretch marks showed that my body grew a baby, a whole other tiny human (which is rather wonderful if you think about it) - There are so many people out there that may not ever have that and would kill for those stretch marks I loath, they would appreciate them and that makes me feel all kinds of feels... I need to cherish these marks, wear them with pride. 

One photo really caught the light in all the wrong angles which has my scars all out on display, for the whole world to see and I damn near cried. When I was younger I self harmed, for years because I didn't know how to expel hard and difficult feelings, but here I am, Self harm free now, those scars show just how far I've come, I am not my depression any more, I am not the girl I once was and there is the proof, from the self harm scars to the scars from my assault. I won't go into too much detail here but for anyone who would like to hear my story, I have a post on it - The Girl That Lied - But those scars may be a reminder but they are also a visual representation of "I am not a victim, I am a survivor and I am strong". 

I could go on and on about all those little details I found in the photos but I think you get the idea, I was harsh and it wasn't until then that I really understood how abusive I am to myself, it hit me hard because I was rather cocky, I thought I would set up my camera, take some pictures and then post a few on Instagram, I'll ace this challenge I've set myself but that isn't what happened and If I'm honest, I'm glad I got my rude awakening. I needed to see just how hard I am on myself so that I could make a plan of how to change this mind set. I don't want to raise a son who has learned behaviour of hating himself because I would never forgive myself for that, my mother petrified me with her own fear of the word "fat" or being "fat", it took a long long time to break that cycle and I am not doing the same thing to my son with self image. If I want to have an impact of the world, if I want to change how others see themselves I have to start with me, the source. I can't possibly preach self love without showing myself some, can I? 



We are all worthy, we are all amazing and unique in our own ways and it's damn time that we show it, we need to give ourselves some compliments every day, when you walk past the mirror, tell yourself you look amazing, doesn't matter what you're wearing, say it, say it out loud and see how that feels. Maybe if we say it enough, we will genuinely believe it. 

As I said, this Valentines day is all about ME and showing myself love, I am going for a bath, I'll be using my Goddess bath bomb because hello... I am a goddess right? The iPad will be coming with me, a good book, some water at the side and I'll lay there soaking away because I deserve it. I'll be putting on my silky pjs that make me feel really sexy, I honestly love them so much and my mood changes when they hit my skin so that's the obvious choice for tonight, all my candles will be lit, creating that ambiance for relaxation. I'll be sliding into my silk robe because I feel like a powerful B-atch in it, I'll curl my hair, I look damn good with curls and I'll be painting my nails, when I have my nails done I feel like I have my shizz together, and I'll be basking myself in compliments, in the words of Shangela - "Because I'm What? Sickening" 

So today, I challenge you all to do one thing, any one thing, to show yourself some love today. It doesn't matter if it's just complimenting yourself, or wearing that bra that makes you feel like a boss babe, or slouching about in your pjs because girl, you look good in anything! Just do one thing and let me know what that is! I want to see what y'all are doing for some self love.



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2 comments

  1. Jordanne, this is lovely. You are absolutely right, we are often our own worst critics and we forget just what we have done and are capable of. Particularly with regard to overcoming tough times and/or having children. Self-love is every bit as important as showing love for others: self-love isn't selfish, it's a right and a necessity. Thank you for the reminder, and I hope you enjoyed Valentine's Day xx

    Lisa | www.lisasnotebook.com

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  2. I think its amazing how two people can look at the same thing, and see something totally different. You may look at a photo of yourself and pick out things that you think are flaws, but when I see your pictures I see a beautiful person, both inside and out. I see a loving and wonderful Mum, who has an amazing amount of resilience and strength.

    I really hope you enjoyed your day, cos gal, you sure deserve it!

    Em x

    www.emsworld.co.uk

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