A busy update

If life is a highway, I've been in the fast lane these past few weeks. It's all go go go around here and I wanted to check in with an update and chat about life for a little bit.

I've been keeping busy lately, filming my own short film, having to write, produce, direct and then the paperwork is a lot to do, then there is helping out on other people's films, I'm sound on some, directing others, even having a go at camera work which has been really fun! I never really understood how hectic it would be when it comes to creating short films, because there is a smaller crew, jobs are often lumped together and I have a new found respect for all the independent film makers out there, the amount of work you have to do before you even pick up a camera is astounding, there is so much, so many little fiddly things that I never imagined before so it's been an eye opening experience.

Apart from college theres a lot going on at home, my grans really unwell at the moment, it's the worst she's been in a long long time, she's weak, can hardly move, her cough is getting worse by the hour and I can't help but check up on her every 1p minutes to make sure theres oxygen in her lungs.... it's quite a scary feeling everytime I approach her bed, will I feel her breath this time? Theres something really sobering about seeing the person you rely upon the most, who you cherist with all your heart and who you can't imagine life without, in a state where they cannot care for themselves. My gran is my absolute world, she's getting on in life, she's no spring chicken but she could get down with the best of us, although she really needs to give herself a break. She's came a long way in life, survived the passing of her children, survived being beaten inches from death, survived a facial reconstruction, beaten cancer... twice, made a full recovery after a stroke and shes still standing after raising me for 18 years! My gran is my absolute hero so when shes in this sort of state, it's like I've been punched in the gut. Navigating this at such a busy time in my life has been a challenge but theres nothing I wouldn't do for that woman.

On top of all that, little bear is at the stage where he's testing boundaries. He's kicking off about absolutely nothing, something as small as a pillow being lifted off the floor... it sets him off. I'm not sure what's going on or where his behaviour is coming from but something has to change before I buy a one way ticket to the north pole! I've been spat on, kicked, slapped and his favourite thing at the moment is screaming "stop hitting me" when I'm about 5 feet away, I can't help but feel completely exhausted. I'm not sure how to handle this, I've faught my way through the terrible twos, I crawled through the trenches of the threenager years and battled across the formidable fours, now I'm in the hot waters of the frightful fives, I don't know where to go, I've deviated off course and I don't know if I can find my way to land again, Will a rescue boat ever find me? I'm not sure what's going on with him at the moment, I can't understand where the behaviour comes from. It's mind numbing to say the least, I'm hoping if I keep sticking to the rules I'm setting down that he will get the routine of you misbehave then you get a consequence which means losing his iPad, Lego, cars, dinosaurs, night time story... it works for so long, then he's back to the screaming of nothing, telling me he hates me and draining us all for 3 hours straight, exhausting isn't the word.

In between battling a child, surviving filming and keeping myself alive, I've got a million and one little things going on that tie this whole ball of stress together. I've slumped on my blog which I'm really mad about, I felt like I was getting somewhere, so many ideas and posts drafted but I seriously underestimated the amount of work I would have to do for filming, I mean, I knew it was coming but I didn't know how much time would go into it all. I was also really excited about launching the bloggerstribe hub on the 1st April but lol that ain't happening. I've had no time to finish anything off so that's fun, I really need to get on top of that, who knows when though...

Life is a little crazy at the moment to say the least, I've not been looking after myself, I've not been eating properly, I've not been staying hydrated, I've been working myself into the ground, collapsing from time to time and feeling like my body is going to break from under me, but you know something? I've never been happier (minus my gran being sick, that really is not helping the situation) I am loving being so busy, I feel like I'm actually achieving something which is nice and I'm taking another step towards a brighter future.

I'm hoping in a few weeks things calm down, I'm away on holiday in April which is going to be really nice, I can't wait to be lazing beside the ocean with a cocktail. Maybe all of this stress will be worth it.

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  1. Sorry to hear you have so many stressful things going on at the moment, but staying busy will help. I’m sure Little Bear is just going through a little bit of a phase, as you said, he’s probably just testing boundaries. Sending lots of healing thoughts to your nan too.

    I always find that the few weeks before a holiday or time off is always more stressful for some reason, so hopefully once you are away you can have some well deserved time to chill.

    Em x


  2. Oh my goodness sounds like so much is happening. I watch your insta stories all the time, so I know you've been working on this film, and occasionally you share Little Bear with us too which is lovely, but it really just goes to show you that social media barely gives us a glimpse into people's lives! Wishing the best for your Gran & for Little Bear's behaviour, you've got a lot to handle! I pray you find strength & peace through it all xx


  3. Ah, Jordanne, I'm so sorry things are so stressful. I can't begin to imagine how awful the situation with your gran is. And I know what you mean about Leon, Flora was very challenging (spot the whopping euphemism) but all you can do is keep going. Boundaries are good, as are learning that certain actions have consequences. Just remember, female lionesses will cuff their cubs across the savannah if they need disciplining. Not that I'm advocating this approach (really not, haha) but kids are small animals too. And don't beat yourself up over Bloggers Tribe, you do it all for free and your life must take priority. Hopefully when your college course work is finished things will get back on an even keel. Hope you have a wonderful holiday if we don't speak before then, sending hugs xx

    Lisa | www.lisasnotebook.com