Thursday, 14 March 2019

Maybe I'm not that girl


I've always wondered why I've never been the girl who has lots of friends, why I'm not the girl to picked first, why I'm not the girl who fits in.

Growing up I was always different, I never fitted in anywhere. I was in different friend groups every month in primary school, at least that's how it felt to me. Eventually I found my own little tribe but that lasted a year tops, and I found myself sitting alone, in my room on the weekends. I always wondered, what's wrong with me? As a child that's a pretty big question to have looming over your shoulders, it's isolating and you feel completely alone in every sense of the word. Not having that friend to run to when you start your periods, or not having someone to talk to when you like a boy/girl. Not being able to call them up and ask them to hang out. I think back and realise that the problem I have now, is the one I've had since I was a child.

I have a great group of friends, though it might be small, it's fierce and I love them with all my heart, but there's never really a sense of a whole group thing. My friends are all from different friend circles and many don't know each other so we can't have a big lunch or dinner date, it also makes planning my birthday hard because there's not much we can do, It's weird because I must sound so ungreatful but I'm really not, I love all my friends dearly, I just find myself craving more adult friendships, ones where we can go to Bruch or dinner every month, catch up, you know, the normal, every day things that we take for granted. Sometimes I find myself wishing I had that girl gang, full of bad ass babes who all go out to lunch together, who go exploring together, who get together with the kids, who all support one another and there's no competition, just friendship. I hardly know any mum's if I'm honest and that's proving to have an impact on the amount of other kids little bear socialises with, I see him becoming more like me every day, where he's scared to go out and gets anxious around people and a part of me blames myself as we don't go out with other kids very often.I mean, I do know mums but we aren't close if that makes sense?


I keep trying to pin point the exact reason, am I too loud? Am I too quiet? Does my anxiety always show? Am I too much? I don't know what it is, but I often blame myself for the lack of friendships, like I'm somehow this monster that everyone hates and I know that's probably my anxiety and depression talking, making me feel inferior as they often do, but at what ago do we stop making friends easily? At what age does this whole friendship thing become a maze that's hard to navigate? Because I feel like I hit that milestone years ago. As I rack my brain, trying to work out why I don't have many gal pals, I find myself coming back to the same conclusion, maybe I'm just not that girl. Maybe I'm just not meant to have those types of friendships, maybe I'm just not meant to have that.

I have tried in the past, so this isn't me trying to have a whole woe is me moment, I've reached out to people, asked people if they would like to grab a coffee, maybe some lunch, I've tried reaching out to others and I'll either get "yeah we totally should do that" and then it's radio silence, I've also made plans with someone, twice, and been ghosted each time, fool me once shame on me, fool me twice... yada yada yada, you get what I'm saying right? I just really have no clue on where to go from here, I wish I did. 

You'd think as a 26 year old mother that I'd know how to make friends, how to socialise, but that's just not the case. Adult friendships are hard, so so hard and I wish I could get my head around them. Maybe one day I will, but I'll always cherish those who are in my life already.

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7 comments

  1. Ugh this post resonates with me so much. I feel as if making new friendships for me became more difficult as early as starting high school when I was 11. I made some new friends, but I still stuck with the same group of 5 girls I'd always been friends with. Even now, ten years later, a couple of them girls are the only people I'd consider as best friends. It's become harder as I've arrived to my 20s, and I can't help but feel envious of everyone around me who have heaps of friends. I feel as if it might be because I'm too comfortable in my own space, but that doesn't mean I'm by any means against socialising. Ah it's such a struggle!

    Evie x | www.eviejayne.co.uk

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  2. Oh love this could've been me writing this. I want to give you a big hug because this is exactly how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I have always had friends and I now have a small tight friend group, but I never really had a big group...it was worse when I moved cities after 6th grade and didn't know everyone, and I was so awkward and didn't make friends right away. I acted weird and quirky as a way to get attention even if it was bad attention. I was bullied a lot. I made friends in high school and had a big friend group but we all had a lot of drama and as an immature teen who made stupid decisions, of course they turned against me. I left high school with almost no friends, didn't go to any senior events (except for prom with my ex at the time). I didn't do the whole drinking and partying thing like a lot of my friends did and even though I'm 29 I look back feeling bad about how lame because I didn't drink or smoke (but so wanted to), and I feel bad that my husband and I don't go to weddings (although we are going to his coworkers' wedding in October) because we don't have a lot of friends, and the ones we do aren't getting married. Even 2 of our best friends who are engaged are in circumstances where they can't get married. It sucks because you see all people going to weddings in pictures, having fun and enjoying the party and all of that. But you know what? It's okay to be different and I am trying to accept that too. My husband is not at all a drinker and he never partied either, and he is completely okay with that :) I'm here if you need to talk!

    Hannah the Mad Dog

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  3. I feel this so much. I have a small group of friends and all from different areas of my life. They actually don’t get on all that well which will make the upcoming wedding a bit awkward with bridesmaids/hen do etc

    I keep my circle small now x

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  4. This resonates with me so much, and I feel exactly the same! It probably hit me hardest when I got engaged, and someone was talking about Hen parties, and I probably can’t even count on one hand the gals who would be there... It made me really sad, because you always see massive groups for that kind of thing, but then I immediately felt like I was being selfish because there is nothing wrong with my little group. I love them all to pieces.

    I know a few people who have the same struggles, but we’re all spread out. Sometimes I wish we all lived closer, so we could make our own little group of weirdos!

    Em x

    www.emsworld.co.uk

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  5. Wow I feel like I've written this! I really don't have any 'friends' just acquaintances and I always wish I had at least one good girl friend to hang out with. I've always had a hard time keeping a group of friends (much like yourself) and now it feels nearly impossible to make friends. I do always feel like its me. I also deal with anxiety and depression and I always assume I never make friends because I'm too scared to make connections but I have also gathered enough courage to ask people to hang out but nothing ever came of it! So yes, I totally understand feeling like its you that makes people not want to hang out!
    Anyway, just know that you're not alone in feeling this way :)

    Renee @ Maritime Mama

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  6. I feel you so hard, that's the story of my life written here...
    Yet sometimes I wonder if "that girl" really does exist. I have been friends with a fair amount of cliché popular girls, yet just to find out that they were even more insecure as I am, and feeling socially awkward as well.
    I don't know how the perfect social life looks like, but maybe we already have it and don't realize it!
    Yeah, I feel positive today haha :)
    Anyway, I always enjoy your writing and relate with most of it, keep going!

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  7. I'm turning 29 this year and still find myself in this predicament. I am trying harder to meet up with my friends individually when I can so I don't feel so lonely and trying to remember each friend has their own value and merit. That side, I'm also trying to bring together a very diverse group of people to go to a music event in June which should be interesting if I don't end up disappointed when nobody ends up coming!

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