Pondering My Next Move

I spoke about what's been going on in my life recently over in my Busy Life Update post the other week and It's not really let up since. With life being so full on right now it has left hardly any time to focus on anything that isn't college or family life. I find myself longing to write, I really miss writing in my spare time, now I just find myself munching down a kit kat and looking over footage, not glamorous to say the least.

I would love to say that my life is in the best place possible, and it was... but recently a lot has gone on. I have been faced with one of the toughest decisions of my life and I really have no idea what to do or where to go, no one can make the decision but me, I can't even talk about how I'm feeling and those closest to me just don't understand the magnitude of this. To say I've never felt so alone would be an understatement and I just, I have no words. 

Life is in full speed right now, College is hectic, Filming is finishing on the 20th of April and once it's done, I'll be happy. My mind can't focus on anything but that at the moment, I have a load of other work to do for other classes bar my graded unit which is making me nervous, I have poured my heart and my soul into my graded unit and sort of let the other work to fester. I LOVE this course, it's a great atmosphere, I love what I do, I love how well everything is going but it's killing me slowly. My fibro has been awful lately, my legs ache constantly, I an't hold things for very long, I can't walk very far, my painkillers aren't working and this new development in my life has made my health situation 100x more complicated. How do you continue doing something you love when you feel like it's breaking you? I have been pondering where I want to go in this industry of film and television because I know what the jobs entail, I know what's needed and expected but I just don't know if I can deliver that with the condition my body is in. I so badly want to smash my goals, I have my 5 year plan where for the first time ever, it's actually going somewhere. I don't know what to do, I don't know where this will go but I do know that I'm going to try my damn hardest with college and get my qualification plus experience. 

With college, the volume of work, the very little spare time and everything else I am finding it so hard to stick to blogging. I decided to give myself April off, I felt like I was taking too much on and my plate was definitely spilling over. I couldn't give my blog the attention, I've had literally no time to write posts unless I'm staying up over midnight but m sleep has been vital so I choose sleep over writing or getting on top of everything. It's sad looking at my blog, feeling like I'm letting myself down, it feels like an empty grave yard, where my passion has gone to die. I have loads of posts in my drafts folder, I could literally post every day for a month with the amount of content I have written but when I scan through them I either don't have a photo that fits or the post doesn't reflect where I am in my life right now. I know if I put in a little more effort that I probably could get on top of blog stuff but my mind is far away. Even as I write this I find myself tripping over my word, I am correcting my spelling every two seconds and no matter how much I scan this post for mistakes, there will be plenty when I hit publish. 

Giving myself till may was my safety but here we are, half way through, well, more than half way through, I find myself panicking like it's not been enough time. I'm back in that place where I feel like a newbie, like I have no clue what I am embarking on and it's nerve wracking!  I love my blog, I know my voice, I know who I am but I can't seem to express that like I normally can. I find writing so therapeutic but every time I open up word to start writing, I freeze, I find anything to do other than what I set out to do, I procrastinate like crazy and at the end I get really angry at myself for not sitting down and working on my stuff. I've also had a big problem with m emails at the moment, I haven't been able to get into my emails for weeks but thankful I was able to get some help from support after about the 12th email and I recovered my emails... I felt like a weight was lifted but when I signed in, the 300+ notifications of new emails was enough to scare me away and I haven't opened it since, I am getting major anxiety about looking at emails; I think it's because I know I haven't replied to people and I never want anyone to feel like I'm ignoring them, I tend to answer all of my emails when I can, I work my way through and send a reply, even if it's to say I'm not interested etc... I think keeping those connections open is important but I've lost that streak, I've lost that routine I was in so I can't help but bottle it every time I think about my inbox. 

I know that this post has been such a ramble and many people will wonder what the hell I'm talking about but I had to get some of my thoughts down in writing. I'm currently pondering my next move, where do I go from here, how do I juggle everything whilst making one of the biggest decisions I have ever made, I feel like my life is about to implode. It's really not been the easiest month, it's been tough and even though I had a little slice of heaven when I was on holiday, I almost forget just how relaxed I felt. It was 4 nights of absolute bliss and was over far too soon, what I wouldn't give to still be away on holiday. I thought that was just what I needed, it cleared my head but when normal life resumed on the Monday wen I was home, everything that could go wrong, did.  It's been a week of having to pay out a mega amount of money to get some things fixed that all broke at once and now I'm sitting here wishing the ground would swallow me up for a whole different reason. 

I've just let put a huge sigh, getting this out into the open has made me feel a little clearer in my mind. I still have no idea what's happening or what I'm going to do but I do know I have to do something, I need to pull the finger out and get on top of my life, no one else can do it but me. Here's hoping I do start blogging in May again, I really want to get back to writing but I have to give myself some time at the moment and not push myself so hard. 

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  1. Awww! Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Leave yourself no expectations. Focus on your health, school and little bear. Don't worry about social media or your emails. Unsubscribe to things that really don't matter. Focus on you. You are too important to not focus on you Hugs and lots of love for you!! Xxx

  2. In many respects I get how you are feeling, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with hitting pause when you need, for as long as you need. If you feel ready in May then great, but if you don’t that’s absolutely fine.

    Something I find helpful if I’m stressing about needing to write, is to write a post that I have no intention to publish. I’ve got several just sat in my drafts that will probably stay there forever, but there are a handful that I decide to actually post after I’ve written them. I find it takes the pressure off, and I’m writing it because I enjoy it, rather than because I feel its my ‘job’ to do so.

    Whatever that difficult decision is, all I can say is trust yourself.

    Sending hugs your way,

    Em x


  3. Hey Jordanne, are you ok lovely? Just checking in as haven't seen anything from you on bloggers tribe or in Twitter generally.