When Depression Hits

Lately I have been in a pretty weird place, my mind has been all over the joint and I can't seem to keep my head in the right place. Why is it depression likes to smack you when you're finally pulling yourself out of a hole.

I've been trying to write a blog post that sums up what's been going on in my mind lately because writing out my feelings helps me lift the fog a little but I get about 3 sentences in and scrap what I'm writing because it's a train wreck... I keep hitting writers block, the inspiration isn't flowing which is why I wanted to have a chatty kind of post but no matter what I was writing, it felt forced and not at all what I was going for and that's when I realized, just be honest. It's hard to put into words exactly how I'm feeling at the moment because I don't actually know how to articulate what's in my brain, my depression has hit and I'm back in that hole I was pulling myself out of. I can't pinpoint what triggered my overwhelming feeling of despair and hatred towards myself but I'm crying day in and day out, I'm a big emotional mess to say the least.

A lot has went down the past few months, well, from april onwards which I spoke about in a previous post. I can't seem to shake the memories of laying on an operating table, shaking, waiting for the anaesthetic to knock me out. I wake up in the middle of the night crying and screaming from the nightmares, I walk about in a zombie like state because I can't function properly and it's like I'm in this weird haze that won't lift no matter how hard I'm trying. I wish it would all stop, I start back college next week meaning I have to really go back to everyday life and with my depression being the way it is, I'm not sure how I'm going to handle everything and that's the scary part. I wish it was as simple as some people seem to think it is, like just "being happy" but it's not, depression is so much more than just feeling sad or down, it can be so debilitating to the point where you can't get out of bed and that's how I've been feeling lately, the only saving grace is little bear is at school now for most of the day and that means I can rest for those 6 hours.

Depression is a horrible thing to have, it can change a person completely and the fact some people still think it's something "silly" that can be cured from taking a walk or giving it time really bugs me. I've suffered with depression since I was a teen, I've tried everything and although my medication gives me some relief, it's not a cure and it creeps up on me at the worst of times. I finally felt like I was in a good space again but when I caught some sort of bug that had me sleeping for 2 days straight, my depression seemed to escalate and I've been left feeling like an empty shell.
I have some plans in place to try help but my main one is getting to the drs, unfortunately I can't get one for two weeks and I know I'll have to see this through until then, I just hope my mood doesn't get any lower than it is now.

On another note, I used to really beat myself up over not being productive, I'm someone who gets easily swept up in the "all go" lifestyle that gets portrayed on social media because if I'm not giving 100% I feel like I'm letting myself and those around me down somehow but I am getting better at giving myself a rest. I don't beat myself up as much anymore when I have to take a social media break because it helps me to regain my focus and find myself again which is what I've been doing lately. I've stayed off social media because I was getting quite overwhelmed, it wasn't doing me any favours so taking a step back was necessary. It's important to give ourselves a break from time to time, there's no use in getting stressed over the little things because in the long run our mental and physical health is more important than anything else.

I feel like I've lost my way with this post but I felt it was necessary in my journey of getting back to feeling a little more like me. This won't take my depression away but I hope now that I've gotten some of my thoughts down in black and white it will help me to lift some of those worries I have. Writing is very therapeutic to me, it's a way of escaping plus I hope this helps others out there who are struggling see they aren't alone, depression can hit anyone, it doesn't care who you are, where you come from or the background you have, it can literally strike at any time, please don't feel like there is anything wrong with you because there isn't, you're amazing, even with depression.

So if you're struggling, know you're not alone and make sure you're taking care of yourself. I have a post all about self care and why it doesn't have to be complicated so if you're looking for some inspiration on ways you can de-stress and relax you can check that out. 

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  1. I’m really sorry to hear you feel like you’re falling back into a place you feel low. Mental health seems to have a habit of hitting you right when you feel things are moving up doesn’t it?

    I am glad to hear that you are giving yourself a rest though, and not beating yourself up. Absolutely agree that it’s good to have a little break from time to time.

    Hope you start feeling better soon hun,

    Em xx


    1. Thank you so much hun 💕 it really does, it always hits at the worst of times.

  2. So sorry to hear that you've been going through this. It's infuriating when I see people saying 'be happy'. Surely everyone knows that it's more complex than that. I hope you can pull yourself out of this hole soon and you settle back into college well. Really respect you for posting this, can only imagine how hard it was to sit down and write x


    1. Thank you so much lovely, so kind of you 💕 right!? Like just being happy is the answer... no!

  3. Hope you are feeling better now. It is exactly how I felt last night (and still a little bit to be honest)