Another Day, Another Year Older

  
Yesterday was my 27th Birthday, I had some major pre-birthday panic on the run up to yesterday, I was filled with terror over being another year older, but oddly, I don't feel anything. 

 I was sure that the pre-birthday panic would last and that was me stuck with the fear of getting older for the rest of my life. I was truly dreading yesterday, like somehow it was going to be my last but here I am, a day later and everything us fine. I don't feel any different, there was literally no need for me to freak out in any way. I guess it's easy to fall I to the trap of the getting older fear, I've spoken to so many people who have experienced it themselves but somehow I still felt incredibly alone in this feeling, like I was the only one fearing this looming birthday creep up but it's more common to feel this way than we think.

Knowing I am way closer to 30 than 20 now is a major bump in the road I'm trying to navigate my way through, sure I've been scared if getting older in the past but nothing like this, for me it was sheer panic anytime someone asked me what I wanted for my birthday because it triggered something in my mind. It's amazing that in the space of a year I've changed as much as I have, to me anyway. I have gone through some serious growth, especially with another miscarriage and this one being so traumatic. I'm worried that I'll have lasting effects from the whole thing, I still have nightmares from time to time about being in surgery, most of them involve me waking up on the table whilst the surgeons are inside me, blood flowing and me screaming, I swear the pain feels so real sometimes. Anyway, I'm getting off topic a little, all I'm saying is, I've been through some stuff this year that's opened my eyes up in many different ways, I've learned some valuable lessons, pulled myself through one if the mose difficult times of my life and yet I'm still here, I'm proud of that.

Getting older for me is still a little scary but I'm glad that mind was playing tricks on me, my birthday wasn't my last dat and I'm here, still breathing and that's a win. I'm hoping that with time I'll shake the anxiety over death and growing older because it's not fun to be plagued by these thoughts, but I've got another year to figure that out, right?

Have you ever felt this way? 



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12 comments

  1. Happy birthday! Yes, I relate to the fear! Its a strange one for me, and only in reading your post did I realise this. Now that I am clean , sober , managing my mental health and living a life of possibility, I am now more afraid of death! When in the thick of very poor mental health, I wished for death, now I really want to live. So, a big mile stone like a birthday scares me too, but perhaps in a different way. I am 45, I have only been reborn for 9 years and so I desperately now want to stay here for as long as possible!

    Anyway, heres to many happy returns, for us both!

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    1. Thank you so so much :) I totally relate, I'm at a point where death really scares me, I'm already older than my uncle ever was and I'm fast approaching the age my mum passed at so it's on my mind a lot! That's amazing you're clean and sober now plus managing your mental health, that is AMAZING! Well done you, you should be so so proud!

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  2. I absolutly know how you feel! I turned 28 a couple of months ago, and it dawned on me that I only have one more birthday until I hit the dreaded 3 O. Although everyone I know who is already 30 have said they had the exact same fear in the lead up, but then realized it was over nothing, and they need not have worried.

    I guess it’s a pretty rational fear to have, and its absolutely not just you. I’m glad you found you didn’t need to worry, and I hope you had a wonderful birthday!

    Em xx

    www.emsworldblog.com

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    1. It's such a surreal feeling to have, There is not stopping the ageing process lol it happens to everyone yet something about that makes me feel so weird lol I'm glad i'm not the only one who feels this though and that it's normal.

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  3. Happy birthday for yesterday! I know exactly how you feel I'm 27 at the end of this month and I'm sort of dreading it too, made sure I'm going to be on holiday for it aha. I've always said by the time I'm 30 I want to be married with kids, but I can't see that happening. In the last year I've finally got a better job and my own house with my partner, it'd be too much of a rush. I always say everything happens for a reason, more than likely the only thing I'll feel the next day is a hangover aha.

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    1. Aww thank you so much! :) haha going on holiday is a great idea, I think I'll definitely be doing that for my 30th, make it more bearable haha

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  4. Happy birthday! This year is definitely going to be a hard one for me seeing as I turn 30 in less than two months. There are a lot of things that I told myself I would and wouldn't do after 30 and honestly, it is pretty scary!

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    1. Thank you so much :) I think it's such a scare thing, getting older in general and it makes anther birthday feel so scary.

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  5. Happy 27th birthday! I feel you about the panic, sometimes, we feel like we are not doing enough, or too much.. Or something that is not fulfilling, but at the end of the day, we are good enough. You are doing good, and hopefully getting a bit older isn't all that bad, hehe. Sending you all of the best birthday wishes~!

    Nancy ♥ exquisitely.me

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    1. Aww Thank you so much hun! That's so sweet. I agree, it's hard to find a balance sometimes.

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  6. Happy Birthday, Jordanne! I totally get how you feel. I turned 30 this year, which was a big deal for me and something I was dreading. I don't know why turning 30 seems like such a bad thing to 20 year olds, but several people reassured me that their thirties were actual really fun. You're more stable emotionally, you know what you want, and you kind of relax about life and you start to not really care about what people think of you. But even though I'm 30, in my head I still feel as awkward as an 18 year old, haha. So I personally think it's all in our minds. You're only as old as you feel! <3

    Emily | https://www.thatweirdgirllife.com

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    1. Thank you so much Emily! I know right? It's weird that 30 is seen as a sort of bench mark for officially being "older" even though at 30 you're still young!

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