Why did anxiety choose me?

Close up of stickers from Dorkface shop - positivity stickers on a pink background

Why did anxiety choose me? It's a question I've asked myself many times but I can never get an answer. Was I always like this? When did it start? Could there have been a trigger? So many question racing through my mind but I couldn't figure out a way to really see it clearly. Is that why anxiety chose me?


The statistics for people who suffer with a mental health condition in the U.K makes me sad, 1 in 4 will suffer from a mental health issues - found on Mind.org.uk - Even though I read up on statistics, read other peoples stories and how they manage their mental health, there's something really lonely about having mental health issues. I suffer with anxiety and depression, they've two issues that I've seen covered before by others and in reading them, for that split second I don't feel so lonely but when I click off that post, I forget and I go back to feeling so alone, like I'm the only one who is suffering.

My anxiety seems to be a big problem for me at the moment so I wanted to look at that today over my depression. I feel like I've had it all my life truth be told, even though I haven't but I remember from a young age getting separation anxiety from my gran, I guess it stemmed from there and the more I felt nauseous, dizzy, panicked, wanted to cry, the more I thought that was normal. I bottled up a lot of my feelings when I was younger so I didn't really speak to anyone about how I was feeling. Everything was always about my mum so I kept quiet, her having issues like being a schizophrenic, having a heart condition, depression, agoraphobia and so much more, it was always about my mum and how she was and the most important thing was to keep her calm and make sure she was ok, that lead to me never really talking about how I felt.

I feel like because I bottled up my emotions from a young age and getting the separation anxiety from my gran set me up in a way to develop more of an issue with anxiety. I was always the kid who had to have someone with them, I hated being alone and after a few experiences of friends cutting me off from the friend group from primary school, that made me anxious around other people. I wanted so desperately that friendship you see of two best friends or a group of girls who all get along, I wanted to be included, I wanted to feel part of something but that never really felt like it was the case. Friends dropped like flies around the people I associated with, no one lasted very long and if you did, you had something special, or so I thought. I never took into account that what I was experiencing wasn't real friendship, not until I watched movies where there were good friendships portrayed, I learned that it shouldn't be all one sided.


Close up of mama bear mug from old English company on a desk with a marble top, a diary sitting next to it with a keyboard

Another knock to the system-

So that was another knock to the system, I just felt left out so now I have anxiety over people likening me, a million questions will run through my mind when I meet someone new "will they like me?" "Do I look ok?" "What if I say the wrong thing?" "what if I laugh weird?" "Do they know I'm freaking out?" "Everyones staring, they can tell" "am I too loud?" And that's just within seconds of being somewhere new or around new people. After the interaction has happened is a whole other ball field full of questions and my brain over thinking everything I just did and/or said. Anxiety never stops for me, it's a constant in my life and I really feel that daily.

Having anxiety means I hate planning anything in advance incase something happens, I always get bad flare ups at the worst times so what if it happens when we planned to meet? What if there is an emergency? So much running through my head. Anxiety is like a dark shadow that follows you around, it lurks and seeps into every aspect of your life and you can't quite figure out why or where it's coming from. It's a constant battle in my head, my anxiety and depression are two best buds just knocking away at me, but I try my hardest not to let it define me, it's part of me but it's not all of me. There is so much exhaustion that comes from having anxiety, it's a weight that doesn't seem to lift, it leaves a heavy feeling in your chest, I often get really bad pain and have ended up in hospital from multiple anxiety attacks. Its really not cute at all and I don't understand why anyone would claim this when they don't actually suffer with it, if you really want it, you can take mine, I don't want it, it's absolutely horrible in every way shape and form.


Close up of stickers from Dorkface shop - positivity stickers on a pink background

Anxiety isn't really something you can see is it? So often people are dismissed about it and aren't taken seriously, some people still think "getting over it" or "just facing your fear" cures anxiety but that's not how it works. You can't really put a face on it, it affects many different people from all walks of life, no one is exempt from having it and that's the scary thing. I would never wish this on anyone but if the people who don't believe in it or whatever could just feel it for a day, they would understand it's real, it's very real. I've been questioned on really having it, being told to "prove it" and it feels so diminishing. How does someone simply prove it? Describing it? Does that work? Do these people want to heat the intimate details like it took me half an hour to brush my teeth this morning because I couldn't remember when I finished breakfast so I didn't want to brush too soon after and I had a little anxiety flare up so I sat on the edge of my bed freaking out about the fact i had to actually leave the house so that means getting dressed but I don't know what to wear because I'm really hot but it's raining, people will stare and then I'll feel even worse because no matter what I wear will make me feel uncomfortable in some type of way. After all that, it was time to leave and that meant driving, but what if I crash? What if someone crashes into me? Is my car working properly? What if the breaks dont work? So much racing through my mind and I'm not even in the car yet. My anxiety is with me all the time and I could go on but I think I've made my point. It's already hard to live with so when you get questioned on it, it stings more.

So as you can see, anxiety is a big thing in my life and I think it's only natural that I question why I have it, why did it choose me? I could go around my head a thousand, million times but I'll never get an answer because it doesn't matter, all I have to do now is manage it, to make my life easier and I think I'm getting better at it. No one can tell by looking but underneath I feel anxiety ripping me apart, but I'm managing my anxiety attacks a lot better than I was and I don't want to hide away when I have something to do, I'm feeling much better about how I'm doing when it comes to this, even though I won't get rid of it, knowing I can manage it makes me feel a lot better. If it ever does leave, I think I'll throw a party, like when the worst house mate ever leaves and you feel a sense of freedom, I imagine that's what it would feel like. 

I know I've brain dumped a little but I thought of the posts I've read where others open up about their experiences and how that has helped me along the way. I thought if I can share a part of my story and it helps just one person know their not alone, then that's all I can do. 
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5 comments

  1. I am so happy you are able to manage your anxiety attacks better. Mental health illnesses suck, no one will ever understand how horrible it is unless they suffer (or have suffered) from it. Your anxiety does not define you at all as you said, it's not who you are. I hope one day anxiety will have less of an effect on your daily life and you find a support system to help you through it.

    Rashidah x

    http://www.sheedahblogs.co.uk/

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    1. Thank you so much <3 There are still the odd days where I find it hard but it's getting much easier to manage. Thank you so much for your lovely comment.

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  2. Oh. My. Gosh. Is this timely for me; I sat out on a family wedding AND a cousin lunch with relatives I haven't seen in a few years because of anxiety this weekend. I just couldn't commit to a big function. So when hubby got off work he relieved me of parental duties and I worked it out at the gym during all the hoopla.

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    1. It's horrible when it strikes at the worst times isn't it? When it comes it's debilitating. I am so sorry you had to go through that, I hope they all understood <3

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  3. Anxiety is awful, sorry to hear that you suffer from it. One of my best friends suffers from it too gradually over the years hers has gotten better but sadly not many peoples do improve I'm just glad there's more help out there as a lot of people look down on others and dismiss it as just a bad day, it's so wrong.

    Stay strong and hopefully you have less attacks.
    xx

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