The Aftermath of Miscarriage

Close up photo of a yellow daffodil

Hello! It's been a while since I last talked in depth about mental health, I think the last post was "when depression hits". I like to be open about having depression and anxiety because I think it's important to shed some light on these topics to help others understand what it's like or not feel so alone ye'know? So, today's post a bit of a chatty one. 

I just want to point out that there will be talk of self harm, suicide and miscarriage within this post so if this is something that triggers you or not topics you want to read about I totally get it, do what you need to do to keep your mental health safe. 

So, we're in a worldwide pandemic huh? It's been very scary and triggering these past few weeks, when the news first hit that there was a deadly virus in wuhan my mind started to race and all sorts of thoughts were racing through it, then when there was more and more news stories about people all over the world being sadly affected by it, my mind went into overdrive and it's not stopped since. 

I am a worrier at the best of times, when anything remotely scary happens in the world I'm on edge, even if it's not happening anywhere near me. I genuinely have no idea why, I don't have answers for that so I do my best to keep myself in good mental health by practicing a lot of self care but sometimes that just doesn't work. 

Since going through an extremely traumatising miscarriage last year where I had to get surgery, my mental health has been quite rocky. I've tried to get therapy for it and seek help but apparently I don't qualify for it even though the private therapist I saw for my initial assessment said I was the perfect candidate to get it and even wrote a very power letter, I still don't qualify so I've been trying my best to get through on my own. I bottled things up for months, pushed the feeling deep down and attempted to block it out but come December I realised that I was doing myself no favours. 

Since December I have been talking with my gran a lot and that has helped so much. Being able to be open and honest with her has meant I've started to heal which is a blessing if I'm honest. I've been battling with suicidal thoughts and wanted to self harm on countless of occasions but having my son has been my anchor and for his sake, I've fought these thoughts and feelings but it doesn't make it any less painful. 

I was making progress, I wasn't crying as much and there were days that went by when I didn't think about the miscarriage, I was making progress and it honestly felt comforting. But now, being stuck in the house and my mind racing with not being able to sleep is torture! I'm thinking about it all again plus is doesn't help that it's coming up for a year since I found out I was pregnant so it's weighting heavily on my mind. 

Close up photo of Jordanne from The Life of a Glasgow Girl holding a white cat mug in a pink satin robe

It's strange because although my mental health in improving in some respects as I've realised that going to college and being social with people on a daily basis really drains me, I didn't think it was as bad as it was. But since being in lockdown I've found that my passion for blogging has came back, I want to put effort into it, I've started to enjoy using a camera out of leisure instead of having to and being on social media doesn't feel so scary or anxiety inducing. It's opened my eyes to just how much of an introvert I am. Then on the other hand, the long nights, not being able to sleep, being stuck in the same place and feeling trapped almost has brought all these feelings of self doubt, worry, sadness, anger and more back to the surface. I'm fighting feeling I forgot I had and that is the scariest part of all. 

I'm trying to find ways in which I can work through all of this, I'm trying to be kind to myself, to allow myself time to just feel but the more I try, the more it seems to affect me. 

I honestly don't know where to go from here, the unknown is slightly panicking me and my anxiety keeps peaking to the point I feel like the walls are closing in and I cant breath so I hide in the bathroom, I lock the door and I cry. It's happened on more than one occasion, it's frightening because my panic attacks are coming back along with this and trying to explain to my son that mummy just needed some alone time feels like a losing battle as he doesn't quite understand that I don't want to hide from him, I want to hide from myself. Seeing his face when I unlock the door for him to stare at me as I have a red blotchy face and puffy eyes, and he panics thinking he's done something wrong g honestly breaks my heart. How do you explain this to a 6 year old? I don't know, I have no answers which in turn makes the whole situation worse as I panic inside trying to find the right thing to do or say. 

This battle I'm facing right now is a scary one, it's one I could do without and if someone was to ask me right now if I wanted to escape the world, I'd say yes and if they offered to make that happen, I'd probably take it. 

I don't know when I'll feel normal again and I don't know if that's ever going to be a possibility because what really is "normal" anyway? But what I do know is that I want to try and get better, I want to try and find a way to live with this crippling pain. I've done quite well at masking this over the past few weeks, I've kept quiet about it in the hope it would just go away but that isn't working anymore, so maybe it's time I try to work through this in a different way, in a more open and honest way so I can move past it. 

I'll never not think about the miscarriage, it's always going to be here just like the other miscarriages I've had, and it's not that those times were any less brutal, because they were and caused havoc on my brain, but last year it felt a lot more raw and traumatic which I think is down to the fact I had to go through taking the abortion pill to "flush" my system after my body not rejecting the dead foetus on it's own, I got two very awful infections, I ended up in hospital after losing a lot of blood, so much so the Dr said I was lucky I got there when I did as I had lost so much, I also had to go through an operation as there was still some tissue from the foetus was implanted in the lining of my uterus which was causing all the blood and blood clots. It's an experience I'll never forget, it's a pain that still makes me cry, it was the most traumatic thing I have ever went through and I've been through a lot. 

I know I'll never forget but I hope to get through it and see some clarity. I hope that one day I won't feel the pain as much as I do right now. 

This has been a very hard post to write, it's taken me hours and countless breaks so I could cry it out but I think it's important that I speak on this because I know I'm not the only one and if I can help at least one person not feel so alone, the post has done it's job. So many women go through this, around 1 in 8 pregnancies will result in one (NHS statistics) and many women will never have a child so I know my privilege at having my son, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. 

I want all those who go through this to know that it's ok to feel your feelings and process in your own way, do what you've got to do to get you through and just know that the world is a better place with you in it. There may be days, weeks, months or even years where it doesn't feel like it, but it is and you are not less than because it's affecting you. You don't have to bottle up your feelings and you sure as hell don't have to hide it just to make others feel comfortable, feel those feeling and do your thing, your feelings are valid. 




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7 comments

  1. I'm so sorry for your loss but this is a powerfully honest post .💛💛💛

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  2. I am grateful that you shared this post. You have mentioned lots that I can relate to, even having not been pregnant. If ever you need a friendly face, I’m here!

    Al

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  3. Well done. You're so brave to have gone through that awful experience, for reaching out for help, for speaking honestly with your gran, and for sharing it here. Thank you. I've suffered missed miscarriage handled surgically too. I feel your pain and share you sorrow. Please stay strong and have hope for the future.

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  4. Hugs Jordanne. It’s good you wrote this post. For yourself and others going through the same. You are not alone xxx

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  5. I'm so sorry to read about your experience. I don't know if you're in a position to pay for private therapy? There may be therapists who offer reduced rates. Obviously it'll be telephone or online at the moment. Here are two sites you might not be aware of: 1)Counselling Directory and 2) Psychology Today. Or are there any local charities which offer free or low cost sessions? Apologies if you don't need/want this information. I'm a therapist, so I just wanted to make you aware of these sites. Take care of yourself x

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  6. I feel you and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. But, even though it will never go away, it will become easier. Less raw and hurtful.
    If you ever need talking, just know my inbox is always open ❤️

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  7. I'm so sorry you went through such a traumatic event. This is such a powerful post, and one I can certainly relate to.

    If ever you need vent or talk to someone, you know my inbox is always open.

    Em xx

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