Uncertainty

Close up photo of a purple orchid on a white bedside table next to a pink lamp

Four months into 2020 and it already feels like I've lived a thousand years! There were so many big plans for this year and now, everything feels very uncertain and I categorically do not approve. 

When 2020 started who would have thought we would be facing a world-wide pandemic in lockdown as thousands of people around the world are dying, I certainly didn't! And when coronavirus was first mentioned I had no clue, along with many other people, that it would be as bad as it is now. 

I've spoken about how I'm feeling about everything in my post "The New Normal" so I won't dive into that more in this post, instead today's ramblings are focused on all the plans and projects that have been cancelled and how this is affecting me. 

Staying home and staying safe is the number one priority right now and everyone should be listening to the information we have been given instead of flocking down the beach any time we get nice weather! But that's a rant for another day. Basically, what I'm saying is, I understand why everything has either been cancelled or put on hold but that doesn't stop it bumming me out. 

Going into this year I was full of hope and big ideas, this is my last year of college as I do my HND in film and television, it's a practical course filled with making short films, documentaries and the likes, but now it all feels further away from achieving than I ever imagined. 

We do have a Microsoft team thing made up where we can keep on top of any new tasks that are being handed out to do whilst in isolation. One of my big questions was, if we can't work in groups, go out, have a production underway and the likes, how are we going to gather material for our showreels? And to be honest, I feel like that question still hasn't been answered. 

We have been given work to do like video diaries and making a 30 second advert for a cleaning product which yeah, it's doable and so are a lot of other things but with my fibromyalgia getting worse it makes it difficult when it comes to operating equipment, that's why my chosen vocation was directing and producing, it's what I'm best at and I don't have to worry about operating equipment that way but now, now I have to be a one man band whilst looking after a child who is full of energy from the moment he opens his eyes in the morning till he goes to sleep, the boy is like a jumping bean! And I also have to care for my gran as she's not doing too well at the moment and run the house because lord forbid I miss cleaning one day... (my gran is very particular and the house MUST be cleaned daily otherwise she's anxious and moody) and I have my blog as well so it feels a bit like a juggling act at the moment. Not to mention the fact I have been quite sick recently, I spent 5 days locked in my room from Thursday till, well, today and I don't know when I'll be feeling well enough to get up and about.

I'm very worried and stressed about not completing my HND because I've worked HARD for it, I've poured my heart and soul into my work and I'm so proud of that so to feel like a bit of a fish out of water is sending me round the bend right now. All the uncertainty is gut wrenching and I genuinely don't know how to navigate this. 

As someone who is extremely organised and regimented when it comes to college work, this is not a situation I like, I am trying to think of ways to push my creativity but the more I do that, the more I feel like I'm hitting a wall. I know I'm capable when it comes to written work, give me an essay project or dissertation and I could bang it out in a few days, but practical work always seems to get me. I can make a short film, I know I can because I have, I can use a camera, I do it a lot and I know I can create stories but why do I feel like I can't right now? My safety net is gone, that's why. 

My safety net is my team, I have a close group of friends from college who I work with regularly and at this point we are basically our own production company family and that's where I get my strength from. We boost each other up, we rely on each other and we make absolute magic when we work together, and I feel at a loss without them. My biggest hurdle is getting out of the head space that I can't do it without them. I need to buck myself up and figure this out.

So, that's my biggest worry at the moment, passing my HND. I really hope I can figure it out. 



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2 comments

  1. It's all rather horrible at the moment isn't it. I remember back at new year being excited that 2020 would be a great year, but it doesn't seem to be panning out that way.

    You've worked hard and done brilliantly with your HND, and I'm sure that whatever happens, that will be remembered and count toward your final grade.

    Take care,

    Em xx

    www.emsworldblog.com

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  2. First off, congratulations on your last year of college! It's hard enough to get through college alone without all this stuff going on, so I can't even imagine how it is with everything. I hate to hear that you're going through so much love. I really hope you feel better soon. Just take things a day at a time. I know you'll be able to get through and all your hard work won't go to vain. Just focus on getting well. Sending love and light ♥

    Deandra|theblackprincessdiaries.com

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