Why I like to be positive

Medium close up of Jordanne (@ofaglasgowgirl) with long black hair looking off camera in a red flower dress

Life is funny isn't it? we are thrown curve balls when we least expect it and we can go through things that shape exactly who we are. Unfortunately I have been through quite a lot in my life, at only 24 years of age it pains me to say that I feel like I have lived a thousand lives, I have survived trauma that I never imagined I could and sitting here today I honestly have no idea how I compartmentalise these traumatic events.  


Just a little warning to say there will be talk of abuse, rape, death and other traumatic events so please, if you are triggered by this or just don't want to read about these topics please click away now, do what you have to do to protect your own mental health. 

I hate to say it, but some of the things I have been through could have broken me, I could have gone in a completely different direction and I almost did. I have done some silly things in my life which were direct impacts of the trauma I went through, I turned to drugs, I drank excessively, and I didn't care about my own safety at one point, and that's all before I turned 17. But, I changed, I looked at my life and I made a change for the better and boy am I glad I did because here I am, thriving. 

If I'm honest, these events sound completely fabricated and if you don't believe me, you wouldn't be the first and I get it, how can these things actually happen? I always joke that if I was to write a book about my life most people would think it's fiction but after living through this I am totally at peace with that because at the end of the day, I know what happened and so does my gran and those friends close to me who went through some of this with me and that's all I need. 

I'm not looking for sympathy, that's not what this is about, it's about shedding some light on the fact that you never know what someone is battling or has come through so be kind and when you see someone being extremely positive, don't mock them because maybe that's their way of coping. 

This post is my way of saying, you know what life? I won, I'm still here, I'm still standing, and I am thriving. Anyway, enough ranting! let's get into it. 


Close up photo of Jordanne (@ofaglasgowgirl) with long black hair looking into camera in a red flower dress

I've lost most of my family, my mother being the main one and it broke me at the time. I was 15 and had no idea what was happening, how was I going to cope? I found my mum in her bed, stone cold, blue, lifeless and not speaking back to me. That changed me. I felt like my whole world ended on the 2nd of August 2009, it was one of the worst days, fi not the worst I have ever experienced. Trying to wake your dead mother will change a child, and it did. 

I've never had a father; he was out the picture by the time I was 4. On my 4th birthday, at my party he told me on the phone that he would come, he promised me and like a fool I believed him, I completely forgave him for all the previous let downs, and I believed that man would be there. So, I sat on the step outside the hall waiting on him to come, telling all those kids who teased me about not having a dad that today was the day, that MY dad was going to show up, he was going to dance with me and we would play and they would see, they would see. He never showed though because he was too busy out scoring some smack. That's the last I heard of him, until a very unfortunate Facebook argument where he slated my mum off.... not his best move.

Before I was three, I nearly died at the hands of someone who was meant to love me, they tried to drown me and hurt my mum. I don't remember this; I was only three after all but when I was old enough my gran told me about it and then my fear of being under water suddenly made sense. 

My mum and Gran were severely beaten, inches from death whilst my mum cradled me in her arms to protect me, she held onto me like her life depended on it and in a way, it did. I was sick, I couldn't sleep because of the neighbours blasting music so my mum kindly asked them to turn it down so I could rest. Half an hour later our door was booted down, it ended with my mum and Gran laying lifeless on the floor. They didn't even go to jail and even the police at the trial were sickened by that. 

We moved from house to house when I was younger to escape some people who wanted to hurt my mum as she stopped my dad seeing me (with good reason) so I was never in the same place too long, as soon as I felt settled and made friends, we moved again. 

My mum had schizophrenia and a plethora of other conditions. Although my mum loved me and I love her beyond words, it was a tough childhood never knowing what version of my mum I was going to get. Would I be hit? Would she scream at me today or would we go for a walk? Would she beat my gran again? would she get rid of my dog again? I never knew what was coming and I tell you, that messes with your head. Having to administer medication at 8 years old shouldn't happen. 

At age 14 I was raped. There, I said it. I've never actually wrote this down before and it feels both scary and liberating at the same time, but I was. He got away with it. The police didn't believe me & I was left feeling shattered and broken as a result. I acted out; I drank. I was 14, lost, empty, feeling ashamed and dirty. The police didn't believe me so I must be lying right? I actually wrote a full post on this to raise awareness. You can read it HERE.

In high school I was bullied about who I was, how I looked, my weight, for being different. I ended up being diagnosed with anorexia which sent my mind spinning because, well, me? anorexia? I was far too big to have that, I was too "fat", it's only "skinny skinny" people who got that right? False. There are so many misconceptions about it. I stopped eating, I hated food, I wouldn't look at food at all, it made me sick to think about a bite of an apple. It was a testing time for sure.

At age 18 I had a miscarriage, it was horrible. I felt alone. Scared. Worthless. I couldn't even keep the life inside of me safe.

At age 19 I was beaten by my then boyfriend. I was experiencing domestic violence. I didn't leave for 3 months. Eventually I did, scared, a shell, not myself and vowed never again.

These are the things that I feel somewhat comfortable talking about but there's a list that could go on and on, but, for the sake of my own sanity, I'm going to stop there. 

Now? Now I have a beautiful son, I'm studying a university course online. I'm a blogger. I'm a granddaughter. I have friends, I have a family. I have food. I have shelter. I have love. I have it pretty good and I recognise that privilege daily because others don't have it as good as I do. 

After Experiencing so much hurt, anger and distress at the hands of other people, I am ready for change. I am ready for positivity. I am ready to be me.

This is why I like to be positive; this is why I like to share the love and always promote kindness. Yes I have depression, yes, I have anxiety and yes I have some issues that will always stay with me because of these events, but I am not the hurt, I am not the anger, I am not my mental health.


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19 comments

  1. You're so incredibly brave for sharing this. You've been through so much and it's really inspiring that you're so determined to stay positive. I wish you all the best for the future xxx

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  2. Any one of these things would be hard enough to go through but I can't even imagine how you've got through them and still come out so strong and determined to better yourself. Your positivity is so inspiring!

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  3. You should be so incredibly proud of how far you have come. Thankyou for sharing your story, you have certainly put life in perspective for me today. You rock mama! Chloe

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  4. Wow this is so inspiring, you should be really proud of yourself, your son is one lucky little man so have such a brave, talented strong woman as his mummy :)

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  5. My heart broke for you reading about your past. But you're obviously a strong and brave woman to get over it - whole and like you said not broken. You have so much to be proud of! Sending virtual hugs. xx

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  6. Hi Jordanne, reading your post made me realise how lucky I am. Your attitude is inspiring and although staying positive cannot change your past, it can help stop your past changing you. I wish you only happiness and love for the future.

    xx

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  7. I am in awe of how well you've come out of the other side of all these terrible things. I agree, I am a person who prefers to be on the positive side. It's not easy, but it makes me happier. Your son will never lack love and an amazing mum to look up to and how could that not be a massive positive, hey? Lots of love x

    Kat x

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  8. I actually filled up whilst reading this. You should be so proud of yourself, of how you have risen above the negativity in your life and made both yours and your sons future a bright and positive one.
    Sending love and hugs to you x

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  9. You are very brave for sharing your story. It's very inspirational after all you have been through, it could have broke you. However you choose to be positive. I am sending you lots of love and positive energies.
    Love
    Shanel
    http://babblingonbeauty.blogspot.co.uk/2016/10/multi-masking-with-7th-heaven-multi.html?m=1

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  10. I love this post because there are so many people young and old who are unhappy and feel stuck because of something that has happened in their past-Great to hear that you and your grandmother are choosing to be grateful in spite of all that you have been through.

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  11. I am sorry that you had to go through so much! But I do agree with your message; lets spread some positivity x

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  12. So sorry that you had to go through all this. And so happy that you have come through it to be such a strong person. Well done you. x

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  13. As someone who has also experienced childhood trauma and not had the best of lives (different situations but I understand to some degree), I want to commend you on your honesty in this post. Thanks for sharing your life with us, for me it's made me feel less alone. Here's to spreading some positivity x

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  14. I'm so sorry that you had to go through all this, but so happy that you've come out the other side. You are such a strong person, and I love the positive message you are sharing.

    Em xx

    www.emsworldblog.com

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  15. I admire your courage so much in sharing this and being so raw. You are truly such an example of the resiliency of the human spirit, and I'm always happy to hear when things look up for you. So much love for you Jordanne xxx <3

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  16. This is so inspiring to read Jordanne <3 x

    www.gracemenzel.co.uk

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  17. Wow thank you for sharing this. It must have been difficult to go back and open some wounds in order to share this. Thank you for sharing your truth x

    Nikki O.

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  18. Wow I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this. You just be such a strong person. Well done for coming through it and building a great life for yourself xx

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  19. Wow this post is so incredibly candid and raw. Thank you so much for sharing this, you are so brave! You have done so well to build your life as it is today!

    Rosie


    loverosiee.co.uk

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