It's Time for a Lifestyle Change

I've been saying for months, nae, years, that I am finally going to start being healthier. I start off with good intentions, I meal prep, I change my eating habits and start exercising more but after a week or so, I fall off the wagon and I'm back to my old, unhealthy ways. 
I was doing really well before quarantine, well, I think I was. I started going to the gym, admittedly it was only twice and then I only went and broke my metatarsal, didn't I? But I kept up the healthy eating, I was drinking about 1,500ml of water a day, I was cutting back on sugar and some days I didn't have any, I started to cook from scratch again and I actually felt like I was getting somewhere, but then I got sick.

About two weeks before the whole country went into lockdown, I was sick for just over a week and during that time I stopped drinking water regularly, in fact I was doing days without it and only drinking Rubicon or Lucozade. I was no longer eating healthy, I was snacking on junk when I was able to eat, I was picking up the crisps more and just generally eating rubbish. Then quarantine happened and since then, I have continued my unhealthy habits, all I've done is eat junk and now I'm really starting to feel the effects of it. 

Looking back, I realise that I made a lot of excuses, I was finding any reason not to keep up the healthy eating and I hate it, I hate that I have no self control when it comes to food which is ultimately my biggest problem. I'm an emotional eater, when I'm happy I go for food, when I'm sad, I go for food, I find any reason to eat which I will admit, has been a big problem my whole life. Now, I never want to say eating is bad because it isn't, picking up cake or eating the chocolate bar isn't the end of the world, but for me I find that I don't have anything in moderation. 

Now, before I go any further, size does not equate to someone’s worth, no one should feel like they should be a certain size or look a certain way because we are all beautiful and being "slimmer" doesn't automatically make you the healthiest person. I don't care about anyone size, that's not what I see when I look at someone and there should be no pressure to change. I wholeheartedly believe in "changing" or "improving" because you want to, because it's what you want to do and not for someone else, never change for anyone else. So please keep this in mind whilst I talk about how I feel, it's simply that, how I feel about myself and just because I want to do something for me, doesn't mean I think everyone should be doing this as everyone has their own idea of health which is what this is about, it's not about weight, it's about my health. 

Now that I've gotten that out the way, I want to talk about how I'm feeling in my body right now. I was looking at old photos of myself from when I was a teenager, from when I was probably my heaviest and I felt a pang in my stomach. I don't know what it was but I looked at those photos and I was embarrassed because I knew that I wasn't healthy then, physically or mentally and it showed, but I didn't see the problem then, I was blind to the fact I wasn't being kind to myself and I didn't notice that I was getting bigger and bigger because I wasn't eating right or keeping my body healthy. I was in a toxic relationship, I was drinking all the time, having takeaways constantly and snacking every chance I got. It wasn't until I got out of that relationship that I realised how far gone I was, my mental health was so low, and I felt very uncomfortable in my own skin, and that's when I realised something had to change, and I did.

I started to get healthier, I stopped snacking so much, I stopped drinking alcohol and started exercising again. I got my mental health to a better place and eventually I was feeling 1000x better within myself. I got to a size I was happy with and felt healthy at, I was toning up and overall, I felt good which was a blessing. The more I think of that time, the more I realise it wasn't going down two dress sizes that made me feel better, it was the fact I didn't get out of breath climbing a flight of stairs, I wasn't sweating constantly and I was able to walk without feeling like I was going to pass out, being healthier was what made me happier, if I didn't lose any of the weight but got healthier, I would have still felt happy and confident.

In looking at the old photos I realised that I'm slowly getting to that stage again, I can feel myself getting bigger, I'm exhausted after walking 5 minutes and I know that my fibro causes a lot of my pain, but it's the physically feeling more and more exhausted that's getting me down. I'm not healthy and honestly that's the biggest thing about all of this this, my health. I wouldn't mind my size if I knew I was healthy but I'm not. For me it isn't about the number on the scale or the size on my clothes, it's about feeling happy within myself and having good health. Seeing these photos sort of turned on a light bulb and I've realised that if I don't make a change now, I'm going to end up on a slippery slope and my mental health will suffer as well as my physical health.

The one thing that keeps coming to my mind is that I want to be healthy for my son, I want him to see what healthy looks like, I want to be able to play with him and not feel like my heart is about to burst out of my chest. He is my main driving force for everything that I do, I want to always be able to run about and play with him and right now, I feel awful that I have to sit down after 5 minutes of playing in the garden because I'm out of breath.

So, I've made the decision to change my habits and work on getting healthy again. I can't keep saying that I want to change my ways and hoping it will just happen, I have to take charge and make those changes myself because no one is going to do it for me. 

I have a journal that I am going to dedicate to this, I am writing down the exercises that I like doing, foods I like, websites that have recipes incorporating the food I like and some other little things that may help me on this journey. I know it won't happen overnight but I'm ok with that, this will be a test of my willpower because right now, I have none. When I have some sort of a plan, I'll update with how I am moving forward with this lifestyle change, because that's what this is, a lifestyle change. 

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  1. I'm sorry you are feeling low about yourself, but deciding to make changes is a massive step in the right direction. I've been feeling very similar to you, in that I comfort eat, and as a result my health has started to decline. I've started the couch to 5k recently, and while I'm only on week 2 I would recommend it. I tend to be good for a week or so and then my motivation goes, so I'm hoping that as its a 9 week course it will have become habit by the time I get to the end.

    A journal is a great idea, and I hope you start to feel better in yourself soon.

    Em xx

  2. I find journaling incredibly helpful when it comes to tracking habits and mindset. I honestly don't know what I would have done without mine over this past 12 weeks. Best of luck with the lifestyle change. Small steps make a huge difference :)

    Lots of love, Helen x

  3. Thanks for sharing, I got a fit bit last Christmas which I have been using at the moment, it has actually got me more out of the house to exercise. I do not know whether I will do once lock down is over!

    Nic | Nic's Adventures & Bakes

  4. Wishing you the very best with this shift!! Although I am still years away from being a momma myself, I have long vowed to be healthy for my future children. I want to maintain and build healthy habits now, so I have a long history of discipline & self-control that will carry over when I'm a mother, so that I can be healthy for them for the rest of my life. You've got this!! xx