12 Years Ago Today

Birds eye view of old photographs on the floor

Walking into my mother's room on August the 2nd 2008, I never expected to be calling my gran frantically telling her my mother had passed away. 

It was 12 years ago today the last time I saw or spoke to my mother, I had come home from a house party in the early morning, about 7am when I saw my mum walking upstairs with a rice pudding cup, she said to come up to her room so I could tell her about the party. I went for a shower then walked into her room, we chatted a bit then I went to start getting ready to go meet my friends in the city centre. I was all ready to go, just one more thing, say bye to mum. 

I walked into her room, the cat and dog both on her bed, my mum under the covers facing away from me. I tried to shake her to wake her up, but nothing happened, I tried shouting but nothing, she was cold, unresponsive and I couldn't feel her breathing or feel a pulse. That was the moment my life changed forever. 

I don't have the words to express just how much I miss her, seeing her smile, hearing her laugh, getting cuddles and being able to talk to her when I'm upset. There are times I'll be breaking my heart and I'll call for her, those moments hurt the most because I know she won't answer me, I know she won't come running into my room but it's the one moment where I need her most. She will forever be in my heart, I know our parents eventually pass away, it's the way of life, but at 15 I never thought about that day because I always took it for granted that my mum would meet her grandchildren, walk me down the Aisle at my wedding, be there for all the birthdays and Christmases, but she's not. 

There's many things I regret about my time with my mother, the arguments we had, the fights, not appreciating just how much she done for me, the worry I put her through, the blame I placed on her, there's so much about the bad times that get me right in the heart because it was always over something stupid when we argued. It wasn't until I became a mother myself that I understood the love and worry she spoke about, I get why she had rules and punishments, I get everything and that hurts because I've never gotten the chance to say I'm sorry, that I'm glad I'm an adult now to appreciate just how special our bond was. 

So, because I never got the chance when she was here, I have a letter I've written for her that I'm going to read aloud today in the garden, next to her ashes. I’ve included a part of the letter in today's post, not the whole thing because it’s very personal, but I wanted to share this little part 

" There is so much I wish I was able to tell you in person, there's a lot that went left unsaid. I know that things weren't always easy between us, we had some horrible fights but that's not what I hold onto, I hold onto all the good times we had, the holidays, the trips, our weekends away, the days we made forts in the living room, when we camped in the garden, when we would lay awake at night making shadow puppets and getting sparklers just because. I love those memories; I will always hold them close to my heart.  I will always remember how supportive you were of me, how much you pushed me to do my best, you were always my number one fan and made me feel like I could accomplish anything. You will never know just how much I love you, how much I loved you even when I said I didn't. We may have had some tough times but you and gran made sure that I had an amazing childhood, you always took me on holiday and exposed me to different cultures from a young age and I promise I will complete our holiday bucket list with little bear, I know you will be proud of that.  You have an amazing grandson that I am sure you would have spoiled rotten and given him the most love because that's who you were, a big bundle of love, someone who was so caring, and family orientated. Little bear will always know who you were, I hope you can hear us every night when we say goodnight to you, and when little bear tells stories of days out, we would have if you were here."

I miss my mum daily, it hurts even after all these years, but I'm thankful for the time we had together. Today is a day of celebration, remembering all the good times and making sure Little Bears Gran, my Mum, spirit lives on and he knows who she was. 

Sign off graphic for blog post that says "Jordanne ox" on it, white background with pink writing.
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7 comments

  1. Massive hugs Jordanne. Such a lovely post. I hope you're all having a lovely day celebrating your mum's life x

    Helen | www.whathelenloves.com

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  2. I'm so sorry sweet, yesterday must have been such a hard day for you and the family. Your letter was lovely, and its wonderful that you spent the day celebrating your fond memories.

    I know that your Mum would be immensely proud of the wonderful, cleaver and kind person you are, as well as a fantastic Mum to little bear.

    Massive hugs and love,

    Em xx

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  3. Your letter to you mom is so sweet. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you, what is must be like for you. Big virtual hugs to you!

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  4. I'm really sorry. Sending hugs.

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  5. Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry for what you had to experience! All the best to you!!

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  6. Thanks for sharing, it is very hard loosing a parent no matter what age you are, my dad lost his mother at 14, I can tell from him how it did effect him so much (his father sent him and my aunt to boarding school).

    Your letter is lovely, wishing you could have spend more time with her, massive hugs to you :)

    Nic | Nic's Adventures & Bakes

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  7. What a beautiful tribute to your mom. So sorry to hear you lost her so young. 😞 thank you for sharing this with us. Sending you a big hug! 💜✨

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