I'm 28

It's my birthday! I can't quite believe that today I turned 28, 28 years I've been on this planet and in 2 years, I'll be 30... not going to lie, I'm a little terrified.

Last year I wrote about how I had the fear of getting older before my 27th birthday in my post - Another Day, Another year older - but after turning 27 the fear wasn't there any more, however, the fear is back and I'm starting to feel a panic build up.

For me, getting older has always been a fear of mine, I'm petrified of dying which I think stems from the fact I've experiences a lot of death in my life and losing mum so young definitely took its toll on me. I also lost my uncle who was like a dad to me at a very young age and once I hit January in the new year, I'll be older than he was when he passed, this doesn't help my anxiety any.

I have this horrible feeling inside whenever I think about getting older because I worry that I'll die and little bear won't have his mum anymore and that I won't get to see him grow, see him experience life and that I'll miss major milestones in his life. Being a parent gives you that worry anyway I think, but knowing what it felt like to lose my mum so young definitely gives me a different perspective on life.

I also feel like this year has been a massive wakeup call on how fragile life is and how much our world can be turned upside down. When covid hit I was petrified, I still am, but when it all first happened, I couldn't think of anything else but death, especially since my gran is extremely high risk. Then lockdown happened and our lives changed even more, being stuck inside for so long helped me to appreciate those little things in life, which I spoke about in my post - INSERT POST HERE - There were parts of life that I took for granted and now with a different outlook, I can really enjoy life for what it is now.

Although I'm feeling utterly terrified at turning 28, being another year older and potentially a lot closer to death, I'm trying to think a little more positively on the matter, especially after realising life is short and we can't take it for granted.

Over the past week I've been using my Journal more to write down my thoughts and navigate these feelings which has helped. Each time I wrote out my fears, I also wrote down 5 things I'm grateful for or 5 things I'm proud of in my life to help me shift my train of thought from negative to positive. In seeing it all written down in black and white, I've come to appreciate those little things in my life thus far a bit more and built upon those parts of life I don't want to take for granted.

So, I thought that I would share 28 things I'm proud of in my life and achievements that I would never have thought about in depth until now plus what I'm extremely grateful for from the past 28 years.

1: I survived multiple Suicide attempts 

2: I birthed a beautiful, healthy baby

3: I completed 3 years in Film, TV and Photography, achieving my HND

4: I'm starting my own business 

5: I learned to drive 

6: I found my soul mate 

7: I have the most amazing Gran

8: Every car I've had, I've bought outright 

9: I've been to Disneyland Paris 

10: I at least had 15 years with my mum 

11: I have an amazing support network 

12: I won an award for best Graded unit, achieving an A

13: I got over my painkiller addiction 

14: Kept up with my Blog 

15: I'll be my own boss by the end of the year 

16: I have 6 diplomas

17: I'm finally on medication that works for me

18: My cat is still alive 

19: I got out of an abusive relationship 

20: I've worked with the National Theatre of Scotland 

21: I've started to accept my body 

22: Little bear is thriving 

23: My gran beat cancer, twice

24: I've toured Canada

25: I fight daily to have a good life despite my chronic illness 

26: I have the best family

27: I'm a survivor of rape, not a victim

28: I changed the course of my life

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