Storms Make Trees Take Deeper Roots


"Storms make trees take deeper roots" - Dolly Parton 

How do you write your first blog post after taking such a long break? It's a question that I've been asking myself for so long now and truth be told, I'm still not sure. I also want to point out that there is some talk of miscarriage, surgery and other topics some may not like, so if this isn't your thing, then please click away now! My intention isn't to trigger anyone or play on their emotions, this is simply an outlet for me. Anyway, back to the post....

I've not written in what seems like a life time, sure I've tested the water with Instagram but I fell away from it again because I realised I wasn't quite ready to do the whole social media thing and scrolling through my feed only made me more anxious and sad. I was seeing posts that I wasn't ready to, mainly people announcing pregnancies, talking about being pregnant and more, now I cant control what other post and I don't want to, I'm so happy for my friends, fellow bloggers and the likes because it's such an exciting time and I get the wanting to talk about it because that's exactly what I was planning on.... you see, there was baby number 2 in the works but it wasn't meant to be and this really messed with my mental health and physical health in ways I never knew was possible, so seeing others go through all the happy moments like feeling the baby kick or posting an update just made me feel inadequate which is something I have to work on.

I don't want to go into all the details, I'm not ready and a lot of stuff went down so here is a quick run down of what happened. We found out we were expecting again early this year, it wasn't planned and contraception didn't work (this isn't a first for me either) my head was filled with so many emotions, I didn't know what to think especially with my history of not carrying to full term. We took things slow and easy but after talking with drs it was clear there could be complications and I had to make a decision on wither or not I wanted to try carry to full term, unfortunately I didn't get to make that decision for myself, it was already made for me. I ended up with a bad infection due to my body rejecting the foetus but it couldn't really "get rid" of it itself naturally and it continued as though the baby was growing and I had to go through a medically induced miscarriage. 

This in itself was a huge blow, the whole experience was scary, I hated every second and felt everything. This was the start of a downward spiral. I felt like a failure, I felt like less of person, I felt like less of a woman and I really didn't want to be here. A few weeks went by and I thought I was getting better, turns out I wasn't and my body didn't get rid of everything... I ended up in hospital, I lost so much blood to the point I was rushed to surgery, if I hadn't been taken in when I was god knows what could of happened as they said I was lucky and seen just in time. A lot happened in the hospital and I honestly can't put into words how horrible the whole experience was. I went through two infections, I lost a lot of weight, I went into a deep depression and I just checked out of life. I can whole heartedly say, I never EVER want to go through anything like this ever again and it's got me considering other precautions I can take to never fall pregnant again, this has put me off ever trying for another because I really don't think I could deal with another loss. It's a sad thought as I've always wanted two kids but it looks like that path just isn't for me.


*From keeping my gran updated on what was happening

I'm lucky though, so so lucky because I have my little bear, against all the odds I've got my beautiful boy who is my world, I was told as a teenager I probably would never have children and if I did it would be a miracle, and that's what my little bear is, my miracle.
I keep thinking about the fact I could have never experienced motherhood like so many others out there and it makes my heart bleed for those who are in that position and have gone through similar things to myself, it makes me appreciate what I have so much more.

Now that I've explained what's happened I feel like a weight has been lifted because that's the only reason I've been avoiding social media and blogging, I just didn't know how to articulate what's been going on and I didn't feel comfortable coming back with a blog post and completely ignoring what's happening, it just didn't feel right at all so my hope's are that this helps me move on, that it helps me get my motivation and inspiration back. I've missed blogging to be honest, it's my safe space where I can express my emotions and talk about the things I love. I must have about 6/7 drafts of this post but written differently, none felt right, they all felt forced and I wasn't comfortable with the amount of information I shared or lack there of in some but this one felt right. I've spoken about it without going into all the details and I've been able to express my emotions in a way that makes me feel happy to hit publish. * I had to just insert this before hitting publish, reading back through this post really made me emotional and I've been sitting on it for a week now but thanks to my lovely other half, I've decided to just go for it and actually hit publish. I'm so lucky for the support I get for him when it comes to this. We talked and he agreed that this was the best of the bunch. 

It is weird though knowing I'll be publishing this post after so long, I have anxiety over the fact I've been away for so long, will I fit in anymore? Can I continue blogging? Can I continue putting myself out there and working on social media? I honestly don't know but I do know one thing, if I didn't try I would regret that even more than just disappearing. I will be taking it easy for a while, easing myself back into it all instead of putting the pedal to the metal as I feel that's a better route to go for me right now, I'm not 100%, I still have my down days where I cry all day in bed but I know that I have to continue with my life, I have to get up and dust myself off otherwise all the feelings will fester and I'll be lost in a black hole of depression that I might not crawl out of.

So hello, I'm back. I have a lot to do, I have to fix my blog... it looks terrible! But I had to shove on a temporary template due to the pipdig situation (I am SO glad that I was still checking social media when that all went down) and I have a lot of work to do on my social media but I'm in a place where I feel like I can handle it now without having a meltdown. My blog will be going through changes over the next few weeks and for the first time in a long time, I'm excited about that! I'm excited to work on it and get it up to scratch. I also can't wait to start talking with everyone again, I've missed the social interactions of I'm honest.

Anyway, that's all for now. I'm off to play some sims because that's all I've been doing recently to escape Haha.


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24 comments

  1. First of all, its great to see you back. I’ve missed you, but more importantly I’ve been worried about you, but didn’t want to bother you too much as we don’t know each other well, and I knew you were working through a lot of stuff. I personally just like to be left to it when things are going on, so figured you’d want the same, rather than the added pressure of responding to messages.

    You are extremely brave to share what you’ve been through with us. I want you to know that you are someone I admire. You are so strong and resilient, and on top of that you are a kind and caring person.

    You can absolutely continue blogging, you do fit in and you can do as much or as little on social media as you want. Just so long as you feel happy and comfortable, that’s all that matters.

    My inbox is always open if ever you need anything.

    Em xx

    www.emsworldblog.com

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    1. Thank you so much for commenting hun, this really means a lot. It feels good to be back but I'm also still extremely nervous. I guess my feelings about it all are all over the place but I'm trying to remind myself that I can do it xx

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  2. Firstly well done on writing what is very much a difficult post for you. I have myself suffered a miscarriage and whilst it was a few years ago now, I still remember that feeling of emptiness and not feeling like I was a complete woman. As the always say, time has been a great healer for me and whilst I still have a void that was once filled with the prospect of that child, I have learnt how to find a way to get through that loss and look to the future.
    I just also wanted to say thank you for having the courage to speak about it because when I suffered my miscarriage, at the time, I felt completely alone and like I had no one to talk to. You might not realise it right now, but this post is going to help other people in a similar situation too.
    You are so brave and stronger than you think, but take your time in coming back because there is no rush and theres plenty of people in our community that are here to support you. Welcome back xxx

    www.thekellydianereport.co.uk

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean so much! I am so sorry you've had to go through one of the worst things ever, sending so much love <3 I'm hoping that time will help, that with time I'll feel better but I think with the amount ove had I've got this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I definitely felt like I had to write this post, even if it's only so others don't feel so alone when foing through this, then that's enough xx

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  3. Firstly, it's sooooooo good to hear from you, Jordanne. I know you did pop in and out of Instagram but I didn't want to crowd you. I'm so very sorry to read about your horrendous experiences, I can't begin to imagine how I would have coped (or not).

    Please know that you don't owe any of us a thing, you just need to focus on you and your family. That's all that matters. We're still here and will always be around whenever you're ready to come back and on whatever terms suit you best.

    I have nothing but the deepest admiration for you, you are truly an inspiration and you should be very proud of yourself and what you've achieved, both personally and professionally. I'm proud to call you my friend (even if we haven't actually met IRL, but I hope you know what I mean).

    Sending you lots of love, Lisa xxx | www.lisasnotebook.com

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    1. Thank you so much lisa, it's really nice to be back. I really can't thank you enough for your kind words, that's so lovely of you and I really do appreciate it 💖

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  4. Sending soooooo much love your way. For you to go through what you have and then come out the other side and write a blog on your ordeal I sincerely commend your strength. Sending a huge virtual hug your way. I looked forward to your follow trains on twitter and was wondering where you are. As we are new to this whole twitter and blog community I wasn’t sure how to say hey but I’m glad you’ve resurfaced and am sorry for what you had to endure. Sending you lots and lots love
    xXx

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    1. Thank you, thank you so so much, this means more than words could explain 💖💖 pop up and say hello any time! Xx

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  5. It's lovely to hear from you Jordanne. I have been worried about you, but know that you don't owe anyone anything. Take your time coming back to blogging, start slow if that's what you need and take it one step at time.

    I'm so sorry to hear what's happened to you and admire you for writing so openly about it hear. Sending you and your family lots of love. xxx

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    1. Thank you kim, this means so much! I'm definitely taking it slow and trying to look at it from a want perspective rather than feeling I have to. Thank you again 💖💖

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  6. You are such an amazing woman. By pressing publish not only have you lifted a weight from your shoulders but you will help others who read this and also feel the same way. Hug little bear so tight and know you are a wonderful mum. Sending you so much love xxx

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    1. Oh Carly this is so sweet and kind of you 💖 thank you so so much xx

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  7. What incredible strength. So sorry for all the tough times you've experienced, but so glad things are getting brighter and you're back again.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words 💖 xx

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  8. first, i’m so sorry for your loss. i can’t imagine the pain you have and continue to go through. i believe you now have a guardian angel. second, you’re so incredibly brave for sharing this with us. this post is going to help so many people and i’m so proud of you for sharing this. i’ll be keeping your family in my prayers. sending you every ounce of my love and hope brighter days are around the corner and that they’re here to stay. xx

    mich / simplymich.com

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    1. Thank you, this is a really lovely comment and I can't thank you enough 💖 xxxxx

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  9. Hello! It's so nice to see you back. I thought about you often during your break but I knew that you had some things to take care of because it wasn't like you to "disappear." I'm glad that you are taking hold and starting to take good care of yourself. Health and family first. Everything else can wait. Christine Xx

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    1. Hello lovely! Thank you so much, it was weird just up and dropping everything but it was well needed, its face me strength to come back. Thank you hun xxx

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  10. I am so so sorry for the loss of a beautiful child. I can't imagine the pain. You are so strong, brave, and resilient, and it's truly inspiring & heart-warming. Wishing you all the best & saying a prayer for you. I'm so happy to see you back, and I hope your mental health is on a path to recovery xx

    twinklexthoughts.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you so much Macey, this means a lot 💖

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  11. I am sorry for your loss and everything you went through. I am glad your other half is supportive. I have had multiple miscarriages, and they are an emotional rollercoaster.

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  12. Welcome back Jordanne! I'm really glad that you're back. And I'm so sorry for you loss. You must put your health before anything at this point. Take your time to heal..mentally and physically. Indeed it's best that you don't rush yourself. Take small steps at your own pace. The blogging community understands and supports you, and I'll look forward for the things that are coming up! :)

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    1. Aww thank you so much, this is really sweet of you 💖 I'm definitely taking sml steps and not pushing myself, taking things easy x

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