My Mother The Angel

My Mother the angel

Yesterday marked the 8 years milestone since my mum passed away. I really wish that I could say time heals everything, but I don’t think it does. It still hurts knowing she’s not just a phone call away or sitting in another room eating rice pudding watching Dr Who.

My mother was amazing. I was blessed when the universe decided I would be her daughter. I was loved fiercely, she was my everything, my idol.

I always wonder what she would say about my life now. Would she be proud? Would she be cringing with embarrassment at my misfortune sometimes? Would she still have her ups and downs with bad mental health care? I really don’t know. But what I do know is that she would be hella proud of her grandson, she would love that boy with a passion no one has ever seen and he would be her everything.

Everyday I look more and more like her. I see it when I look in the mirror, when I get a slight glance of myself in a shop window and mainly by the way I speak sometimes. I look at myself and I wonder what she would look like now. Would she still have short hair? Would she have any more tattoos? (Probably) and would she still be a brunette? So many questions that I ask myself that I probably shouldn’t because it just makes it worse sometimes.

Writing this post I am filled with a lot of emotion. I know she isn’t suffering any more, I know she thought she was doing the right thing and I know if she could, she would take it back. I would give anything to have her walk into my room and tell me about a new pair of shoes she seen online that I would like or scream from downstairs for me to help her work the laptop. I miss her, I miss everything about her.

This was just a little post to honour my mother. I can’t stop thinking about her so I really wanted to get all this down in writing. It’s such a personal thing for me and I do hope she’s flying with the angels. I like to think she’s up there with a big pot of rice pudding, Dr who on & Lilly (her dog) running around next to her. I imagine it to somewhat resemble the heaven depicted in Supernatural (The TV show). Little bear knows my mum as his granny bell and we tell him she is his guardian angel watching over him. Sometimes he will talk about her randomly so I hope she’s with us and he knows it. 

It’s difficult some days knowing that she will never come home, that I can’t talk to her about what’s going on in my life. I miss being able to climb into bed with her and cuddle. I miss the shopping days with lunch at Dinos. I miss the way she would brush the hair out of my face when I cried. I miss her voice so much, more than I ever thought imaginable.

My mother was amazing. She battled her demons everyday and I am so proud to be her daughter.