But why?


But why? It's something I have been asking myself for the past week and no matter how many times I ask this the answer will always be the same. (TW: Talk of Miscarriage

If you follow me on social media then you may have seen that last week I started to go through an early miscarriage. This isn't something I was willing to share at first, it's not the kind of thing you go about shouting from the roof tops is it? I have been having a really hard time with this as it's the 3rd time I have officially experienced this, last July/August I went through an early miscarriage, it was hell on my body as I had no idea what was going on, it was a rough time mentally as well but I didn't speak about it, that was the turning point last year when my mental health started taking a big hit and when I have written my posts on embracing myself I have spoken about how I was in hell with my MH but I never got up the courage to really explain how it all started. I also went through a miscarriage in the second trimester when I was 18 and I honestly can't even explain how horrible that was, it was a terrible experience and I still can't fully talk about it and now I have gone through an early one again. I also think that I did go through another after I had Leon, as I didn't go to the Dr about it or sought any help I can't be 100% sure but when I think back now to the experience I have had both last year and now, I'm sure it was as everything is too similar. 

So what made me speak out this time? well, I felt like I just couldn't keep it all bottled up anymore and especially after how much my mental health was impacted last year. After I spoke to my Dr I went ahead and called SAMH as I felt like I was really struggling again and I was determined not to fall into that black hole for another time. After speaking with someone and getting advice I felt like being vocal and open about this could be potentially good for me. I first started out by talking on my Instagram and finally revealing why I had been away from social media and a little off. After speaking out on Instagram I waited a few days, I wasn't ready to talk to anyone about it as I wasn't prepared for all the "I'm so sorry" comments or the "I'm here for you" ones because my mind couldn't take it, I'm not sure why as they aren't horrible, they are supportive but I just wasn't ready for them. After having days that were a little better I opened up on twitter about it and the amount of support and love I received was overwhelming, even a few brands that I have worked with contacted me which honestly made me feel so loved, when a brand takes the time out to extend support and offer to help any way they can you know they are good and genuinely care. 

I do want to touch on this subject a little because I know there has to be other women out there who feel like me, feeling like your feelings aren't valid, being told that they have to just get on with things, that it's obviously not been their time. People have no right to devalue your feeling, what you feel is valid, what you feel is totally ok and there is help out there wither that be going to see a GP, speaking with friends or talking with a councillor, there is help. I have been spoken to like I'm an idiot for the way I'm feeling, I have been told that since it wasn't any length of time I shouldn't be upset and it's just another one of those "things", I have been told to pull myself together, to stop crying, that I shouldn't feel like this and more. Now that I have gotten support and help I know within myself that this is not true, I know what I feel is valid, I know that I can grieve and heal in my own way I want others to know this as well! Your feeling matter, how you cope, matters. Even though this is a fairly common "thing" to happen, you are allowed to feel hurt and upset. 

I must admit, I am still not 100% yet, even writing this has me shaken because I don't know if I should post this, am I being too dramatic? is this even something to be hurt over? and I know that my feeling are valid, I'm allowed to be hurt by this and heal how I want to but in the back of my mind I have this voice telling me that other people go through much worse and they handle it better than me. Me comparing myself and being my own critique is a flaw of mine, I know I have to stop this because regardless of what anyone else says or thinks, this is something that has hurt me deeply. For a while now Stephen and I have talked about another child, I know we both really want a second and I hope that one day it happens but when you are so excited at the thought that this time is finally the time and then it all just gets ripped away, it's truly heart breaking. 

Since I have had this experience more times than I ever thought I would I'm starting to worry that a second child may not be on the cards. I am thankful to my GP though who has talked me through some testing I can have done when I feel ready for it and I have been given lots of information. My GP was lovely, I can't fault how this situation was handled at all. I do hope that in the future that I will be able to have another child, but for now I have to think about the present, I have to focus on getting better both physically and mentally so that I can be the best version of me for my baby bear. 

Leon has been a joy lately, even though he has no idea what's going on he has been there for me, making me smile and laugh, keeping me going and showing me that even when there is darkness there is a ray of sunshine somewhere in there. I am thankful to all the support I have received, it's overwhelming to say the least.



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5 comments

  1. I'm so so sorry about your miscarriage. I've never been through it, but I can't imagine the pain and I know you have the strength to get through it. Your feelings are valid and you are allowed to cry! Thinking of you <3

    Hannah the Mad Dog

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  2. I just want to reach through my phone screen and give you a big hug! I know exactly what it’s like to be in your position - we had a horrendous time with miscarriage last year and it throws up a huge range of emotions... I had people trying to tell me exactly how to feel and I also lost friends because of my grief. If you ever need someone to talk to about anything, not even specifically this, just give me a shout! Blogging really helped me to keep my head straight, but everyone deals with this in their own way... you just make sure you look after yourself right now and remember you’re not alone! Xxx

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  3. I am so sorry! Sending you a big hug. Thinking of you x

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  4. I'm so sorry Jordanne, there isn't much I can say to make anything better but know I'm sending you so much love and many hugs and I'm always here if you need to talk xxx

    Tiffany x www.foodandotherloves.co.uk

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  5. I'm so very sorry for all you've had to go through. You're an absolute warrior.

    Children are so perceptive so it's no wonder your little boy has been particularly kind and caring. Although they don't know the facts they do sense emotion and know when you need a bit of TLC. He clearly has a kind heart and a big love for his mummy.

    Sending you so much love.

    Louisa | Loubee Lou Blogs

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