My Love/Hate Relationship With Social Media

My Love/Hate Relationship With Social Media

Sometimes in life we may wander down a path that we did not want nor choose. Life will throw curve balls our way, darkness will descend and we will be left wondering what to do or where to go, but the thing to remember is, there is always light after darkness.

I’ve been reflecting recently on a lot of different aspects in my life. 2018 really took it out of me, I felt the worst I’ve ever felt, my health has declined rapidly and a lot of the time I would rather lay in bed and wallow in self pity. I let a lot of things get to me last year, my mental health was so low, so low to the point I contemplated suicide again. I was broken, a shell of my former self and it wasn’t pretty. I felt like there was a major domino effect, one bad thing happened and it all continued from there.

One of my main passions in life is to help others, support those around me and always be kind. I used to be so happy and cheerful on social media, shouting out those who I really loved, supporting my fellow bloggers and having so much fun engaging with everyone. When I was doing that I felt amazing, I made connections, I felt a sense of purpose but when life started throwing the bad stuff at me, I let that part of me slip away. Days became weeks and I found it harder than ever to come back to Twitter, or any social media for that matter. Twitter was always my favourite social media platform, it made me happy and I got to engage with the most wonderful people (Barr a few bad apples) and I loved it, I loved coming on each day to read comments, reply to people, share content, keep up to date with everyone, read blog posts but now I’m in a place where I feel like I’m stuck in limbo. I just don’t feel the connection the way I used to anymore, Twitter and social media in general feels like a whole different place to me now.

Everyday it’s a new notification, a new DM, a new comment and I used to love that but now I feel like it’s suffocating me. My anxiety goes through the roof when I see I have a new DM/private message because it’s just another reminder that I have 10 others in there that I still haven’t replied to because my anxiety literally stops me from opening them. You see, when I choose to take time away it really recharges me and I come back feeling much better, when I’m forced to take time away because of personal problems etc… I come back onto social media feeling like a failure, like I’ve let everyone down because I haven’t replied straight away. I know I don’t HAVE to reply within 5 minutes, but sometimes I don’t see things till a couple of days later, then I feel horrible because I’ve not seen the message then I go into a panic because I need to message back, then my mind goes blank and I’m left sweating, wondering what to do. Now, a rational thinking person would take a deep breath and reply… ITS THAT SIMPLE, so why can’t I see it that way? I know it’s easy and simple but my brain tricks me, it tricks me into thinking I’m horrible, rude and an all round bad person when in reality I’m not. Sure I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, who is? But I’m definitely not a bad person.

I have such a fear of social media these days because I just feel like I don’t belong. I feel like I’m not wanted anywhere and that I don’t fit in. I’ve been trying hard to get back into the swing of social media, I’ve wrote a post about it already and since then, I’ve still not gotten over what ever this fear is. I’m just not sure where I fit in anymore, I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall that won’t allow me to progress (I kind of have, I’ve done it to myself and I know that) it’s horrible feeling like this, like I’m not wanted anywhere but this year I want to change that. I really want to change my whole approach to social media. I need to stop it draining me mentally, I need to take planned breaks so I can keep my batteries charged and I also need to remember that social media is just social media. It’s not my entire world, it’s part of it and in order for it to co-exist within my universe, I need to take control, stop letting my life be ruled by fear and just go for it.

2019 is the year I adopt a new attitude (I recently wrote a post all about it which you can read HERE) where I stop letting my life be controlled by my fears, I’m all about taking the bull by the horns so to speak. I’m working hard to get back into social media, to live my best life and keep pushing myself. I do have a Love/Hate relationship with social media, I adore the connections, sharing my content and getting to make amazing friendships but there’s still something in the back of my mind that makes me feel like I’m a failure, like I don’t belong and I know that’s on me, not on anyone else. This year I will get over that, I will work at it and I will get myself out of this hole.