Mother vs Mother | The Comparisons We Make as Mothers

Mother vs Mother | The Comparisons We Make as Mothers

When it comes to looking through my Facebook, Instagram or Twitter, I often find myself being nosey at other mums’ profiles.

I like to see what they have been up to, what’s going on and who is doing what. I’m sure I’m not the only one who does this, right?

Anyway, I have started to find that I am constantly comparing everything that I am doing with what other mothers are doing! I find we live in a time of comparison. 

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Comparing my life

I really can’t help it when I compare my life. Heck, I don’t even notice I’m doing it half the time. 

Sometimes I find myself looking at others’ lives and thinking, wow their life is so perfect!

They seem to have it all while I feel like I am stuck in the same old mundane things from day to day. But then I analyse it and realise my life is pretty good, even if I don’t realise it all the time. 

We only get a glimpse of others lives

With social media being so accessible these days and everyone sharing highlights of their lives, it’s easy to be sucked into that mentality. Far too often we start comparing our whole lives to someone else’s highlight reel.

What we don’t see is the other parents going through the lows, dealing with the tantrums or how they are feeling.

I’ve had this conversation a few times with friends and we all feel the same when we see that mother who looks put together and unbothered. But, on the other end they most likely feel the same as us.

One thing I’m trying to learn right now is that I really need to remember to take a breather and look within myself rather than comparing myself to other mothers.

The “One Up” Parents

Another thing I have noticed, is that within a group of women I know that are all mothers and know each other, they all try to one up everyone they know in the same boat as them.

And now I have now found myself doing the same thing from time to time without realising it.

One of the mothers shared a photo of shoes they got their son, so I went and got a more expensive pair of shoes for Little bear to share a photo of them online.

It wasn’t until my other half asked why he needed expensive shoes that it clicked, he didn’t. It was purely for my own benefit to feel better about my standing within this group of women.

It’s not a nice feeling, feeling like you have to keep up with the Joneses

It’s horrible that we feel the need to keep up with other parents out there or like you have to “one up” each other. But I think if we are constantly around others who do it, whether it be in person or social media, we just automatically pick up on the behaviour.

Thankfully I noticed this behaviour within myself before it got worse and didn’t like it, so made a change.

It’s not healthy behaviour, not everyone should be competing against each other.

Breaking away from that group

As I mentioned, I knew a group of mothers who all have this need to “one up” each other and I was involved with them for a bit as we all took the kids to the same sensory class.

We did end up going for coffee together a few times to hang out, but once I realised the vibes weren’t great and I felt less than being around them, I cut ties a few months back.

I’m so glad I did because seeing their posts on Facebook all the time and passive aggressive comments to each other really turns my stomach. I don’t understand how anyone can keep up with that.

It was thinking about the dynamics in this group that led me to writing this post because I’m sure I’m not the only one out there who feels like mother vs mother isn’t productive at all.

We don’t need to be in a war with each other.

The problem is everywhere

This mentality of feeling like you need to be better than another parent or be able to afford more than someone else to be a good parent doesn’t make sense to me.

There is no need to be fighting amongst ourselves, the world is bad enough as it is.

A few times I have seen posts online that puzzle me because I just don’t understand the need for the captions they have used.

For example, I saw one photo which showed a bunch of toys and clothes they had just bought with the caption:

“Having more money than the mother across the road makes me happy”

Like that is a direct quote from the picture I saw on Instagram. What is the need?

Can’t we all just get along?

It’s so easy to get lost in looking at other peoples lives online and feeling like they have the “perfect” life or like you are failing because you can’t do what they can. But, that’s not what is important in life.

What is important is that we keep our children healthy and happy, and having an environment where we can interact with others without judgement or any attitude will go a long way in helping our children navigate the world in a positive way.

We don’t need to be knocking each other down do we? We should be building each other up and creating happy memories with our children. 

Breaking this cycle

I have gotten to the stage now where I only focus on my own life, I don’t care what others are buying for their children or what they are doing with their lives.

At the end of the day, it has no impact on my life or my son’s life whatsoever.

So what if that mother over there just bought a load of clothes for their child? That’s great! It’s not a reflection on my life.

And so what if someone’s child is developing a little faster than my child? My son will develop at his own pace, every child is different.

Or what if that mother across the road looks put together and like they have bossed life? Good for her! It’s hard being a parent.

There is no need to see these things and start comparing ourselves, as easy as it is sometimes. We are unique and deserve to cut ourselves some slack without fear that our lives aren’t perfect because we don’t do or have X, Y & Z.

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