Life Right Now | Pregnancy, Mental Health and Tumours

Life Right Now | Pregnancy, Mental Health and Tumours

Life, it’s a funny thing isn’t it?

We never quite know what’s around the corner and just as we feel like our luck is turning around, BAM! A wrench is thrown into the mix.

So far 2023 has been a whirlwind of emotions and I’m sitting here wondering when I’ll wake up from this dream, because surely this can’t all be real?

Life Right Now

It’s been a while since I’ve shared a life update post here on the blog, but I figured right now more than ever warrants one.

My way of processing and sorting out my feelings has always been to write it out.

No matter what emotions I’m feeling, I find writing about what’s going on to be extremely therapeutic and right now, I need that.

Over the past few months I’ve been on a roller coaster. There have been high points and lower than low points, but through it all the only constant has been a sense of worry.

Pregnancy

In April I got the best surprise when my pregnancy test came back positive.

The reason I was taking a test was to rule it out because I was heading to the Dr’s.

I knew he would ask if there was a chance I could be pregnant due to some of my symptoms and I wanted to go with the complete knowledge that it was negative.

But that wasn’t the case!

Overwhelming Joy

A wave of emotions ran through my body because it wasn’t expected, but boy was I over the moon.

I’ve waited what feels like a lifetime to be a mum again.

After so many losses I really didn’t think it was on the cards for us and I was starting to make peace with that.

But the universe had other plans and blessed me with my deepest desire.

With this I was on a high for a few days, until my brain switched and the fear of another loss creeped in.

Mental Health

Once the baby high started to calm down, my mind began to race.

I’ve been here before, I’ve felt this joy only to have it snatched away within an instant.

What started as a feeling of happiness turned to fear that plagued my mind for days.

Would this time be different? Will I have to go through another loss?

So many questions yet no answers.

This led to my mental health taking a huge dip. I was in a dark place racked with guilt because I couldn’t fully enjoy being pregnant.

Although I had a gut feeling that this time was it, that I was finally going to have a baby at the end, I still couldn’t fully open my heart to the possibilities.

Worry, worry, and even more stress

It felt like no matter what I did or how positive I tried to stay, that creeping thought of having it ripped from my grasp was constantly on my mind.

Safe to say that stress followed me like a shadow for a while and that in turn impacted my mental health immeasurably.

I went to some pretty dark places in my mind.

The thoughts got darker and darker till I felt like I was living in a constant state of fear.

So, when the first scan rolled around I welcomed that sense of hope with open arms.

The Scan

Going into the scan my legs were like jelly, would all be ok? Would there be a foetus visible?

The emotions that rushed through my body were unlike any I’ve ever felt and I still don’t know how I managed to keep myself together in the waiting room.

But, all my fears would be put to rest soon enough, although I felt like the universe was doing everything possible to freak me out.

Nothing to see

Laying on the bed with the gel being squished onto my abdomen, I was filled with anticipation for what I was about to see.

As the scanner rolled over me I was praying that there would be a sign of life, but that wasn’t quite what happened.

A few minutes into the scan, the woman excused herself to grab a colleague.

I’ve been here before, I’ve lived through this exact experience and it wasn’t good news.

At that moment I don’t think my heartbeat has ever gone that fast.

Waiting for them to come back felt like forever, although in reality it was probably only seconds.

Upon entering the room, I was asked if I would be ok with an internal scan as unfortunately there was nothing to see via my abdomen.

Shit! Here we go again…. 

A Strong Heartbeat

As the internal scan began, my eyes were firmly fixed on the screen, searching for any sign that the baby was in there.

After a few wiggles around there it was, plain as day and a heartbeat flickering.

I will never be able to describe the relief I felt in that moment.

As I lay there, my eyes filling with tears and shaking slightly, the woman said to me:

“There, can you see? A healthy strong heartbeat. Baby is doing fine”

Upside down and back to front

Baby was in there, but because of the scar tissue from my c-section with little bear it was hard to get a good look via my abdomen.

I’m just extremely grateful that there was another way to scan and check because otherwise I would have been a wreck.

Unfortunately the baby was upside down and back to front so we couldn’t get a proper measurement for a due date, but I didn’t care.

Baby was there and their heartbeat was strong, that’s all that mattered to me.

Turning point

Knowing the baby was in there doing well, I felt a turning point in my mental health.

Things weren’t looking so gloomy anymore, so I allowed myself to finally feel that joy of being pregnant without any guilt or fear.

With my scan going well and our trip to Canada a couple of days away, I was optimistic about the future.

Canada

Getting away for a couple of weeks was beyond needed.

Having that time away to collect my thoughts, forget about everyday life and just live in the moment was a welcome change.

This holiday really was a great reprieve and seeing family that we haven’t seen in years made it even more special.

The dark clouds returned

Upon our return home I felt a sense of dread beginning to loom over my head.

I don’t know what triggered it, but my gut was telling me to prepare for the worst.

With my next scan approaching I was convinced that it was related to the baby.

I don’t know why but I couldn’t shake the feeling of something sinister coming.

Scan number two

The second scan rolled around and I was in a state of panic again. Is this what my gut was warning me about?

Thankfully everything went as planned and we got to see the baby on the screen, heartbeat still going strong and the little one growing perfectly.

So, why did I still feel like a storm was coming?

Tumours

Remember when I spoke about going to the Dr’s at the beginning of this post?

Well, the reason I had made an appointment was because I’ve had a growing lump on the left side of my neck for a little while now.

It’s been painless and unnoticeable mostly, but then it began to grow quite quick.

I don’t know what I thought it was, but in no way did I suspect a tumour.

My Dr put me on a list to get an ultrasound on my neck and I’ll be honest, I quickly forgot all about it.

With the pregnancy and my mind racing due to that, there was no room to think about anything else.

That was until I had to attend hospital due to my symptoms getting worse and my lump growing.

The Ultrasound

I was sent for a scan on my neck to see what we’re dealing with.

Honestly, I really thought it would be a cyst or something and all would be ok.

However, as soon as they started the scan I could see on the screen that it wasn’t going to be as straightforward as that.

As I watched intently I saw that there were multiple masses in my neck down the left side and I went into panic mode straight away.

Nothing was said to me but I just knew from the atmosphere and the way the women were treating me that something wasn’t right.

Life is changing

From the moment I had the scan I just knew life was going to change.

Leaving the room I felt it with every fibre in my body and I was right.

Two days after the scan I was told that I have several tumours on the left side of my neck. Most are small and aren’t causing the specialist any worry, but one in particular has raised a red flag.

The one that is growing, noticeable and why I went to the drs.

Everything feels surreal

I’ll be honest, everything feels very surreal right now. My mental health is in the toilet and I genuinely don’t know how to cope.

Everything I hold dear has lost meaning and my brain can’t focus on anything at the moment.

I’ve been on autopilot for weeks now as this has been going on for over a month and just being a parent drains me.

What I thought was going to be a magical experience of being pregnant and having my second child has turned sour and I cannot get excited.

I’ve lost all interest because what if?

*The photo in the middle shows one area that has a plaster where a biopsy was taken that isn’t healing properly and two of the tumours in my neck. The biggest is on my jawline from my chin to ear.

What if it’s Lymphoma?

It’s hard to express just how messed up my mind is right now because the thought of having lymphoma while pregnant never mind at the best of times terrifies me.

This whole experience has made me realise that life is precious and cannot be taken for granted.

I’ve tried to prepare my mind for the worst and work out how it would all work with treatments and such, but I break down every time.

There’s not a day that has gone by where I haven’t been crying.

Trying to get on with life

After a month of worry and breaking down every day, I’ve begun the journey to getting back to normal.

I’ve let this take over for far too long and now that my biopsies have been taken and I await the results, I realise that things need to change.

I can’t spend my days hiding from the world and doing the bare minimum. Locking myself in the bathroom and crying for an obscene amount of time isn’t healthy either.

My coping methods have been less than helpful and now that I see how far I’ve fallen, it’s time to fix that. 

Life right now

Right now life isn’t great but I can turn it around.

There is still a lot of worry, but I need to pull myself up and make something of my life, no matter what the results are.

Going through all of this has definitely hit home how much life is taken from granted and how fleeting life is in general.

I want more for me and my family, I want my kids to have the best life possible and that’s exactly what I’m working towards.

If nothing else, this whole experience has given me the kick up the arse I’ve been needing and lit a fire under me like no other. 

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