Uncertainty: What is my path in life?

Uncertainty: What is my path in life?

Four months into 2020 and it already feels like I’ve lived a thousand years! There were so many big plans for this year and now, everything feels very uncertain and I categorically do not approve. 

When 2020 started, who would have thought we would be facing a world-wide pandemic in lockdown as thousands of people around the world are dying? I certainly didn’t! And when coronavirus was first mentioned I had no clue, along with many other people, that it would be as bad as it is now.   

I’ve spoken about how I’m feeling about everything in my post “The New Normal” so I won’t dive into that more in this post, instead today’s ramblings are focused on all the plans and projects that have been cancelled and how this is affecting me.

Changes

Staying home and staying safe is the number one priority right now and everyone should be listening to the information we have been given instead of flocking down the beach any time we get nice weather! But that’s a rant for another day.

Basically, what I’m saying is, I understand why everything has either been cancelled or put on hold but that doesn’t stop it bumming me out.   

Going into this year I was full of hope and big ideas. This is my last year of college as I do my HND in film and television. It’s a practical course filled with making short films, documentaries and the likes, but now it all feels further away from achieving than I ever imagined.

Not the same

We do have a Microsoft team thing made up where we can keep on top of any new tasks that are being handed out to do whilst in isolation. One of my big questions was, if we can’t work in groups, go out, have a production underway and the likes, how are we going to gather material for our showreels? And to be honest, I feel like that question still hasn’t been answered. 

We have been given work to do like video diaries and making a 30 second advert for a cleaning product. Which yeah, it’s doable and so are a lot of other things, but with my fibromyalgia getting worse it makes it difficult when it comes to operating equipment.

That’s why my chosen vocation was directing and producing, it’s what I’m best at and I don’t have to worry about operating equipment that way.

Juggling act

But now? Now I have to be a one man band whilst looking after a child who is full of energy from the moment he opens his eyes in the morning till he goes to sleep. The boy is like a jumping bean! And I also have to care for my gran as she’s not doing too well at the moment and run the house because lord forbid I miss cleaning one day! (My gran is very particular and the house MUST be cleaned daily otherwise she’s anxious and moody)

I also have my blog as well, so it feels a bit like a juggling act at the moment. Not to mention the fact I have been quite sick recently. I spent 5 days locked in my room from Thursday till, well, today and I don’t know when I’ll be feeling well enough to get up and about.  

Stress stress stress

I’m very worried and stressed about not completing my HND because I’ve worked HARD for it. I’ve poured my heart and soul into my work and I’m so proud of that, so to feel like a bit of a fish out of water is sending me round the bend right now.

All the uncertainty is gut wrenching and I genuinely don’t know how to navigate this. 

Safety net

My safety net is my team. I have a close group of friends from college who I work with regularly and at this point we are basically our own production company family and that’s where I get my strength from.

We boost each other up, we rely on each other and we make absolute magic when we work together. And I feel at a loss without them.

My biggest hurdle is getting out of the head space that I can’t do it without them. I need to buck myself up and figure this out.  

So, that’s my biggest worry at the moment, passing my HND. I really hope I can figure it out. 

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